When I was 14 or 15, my mom gave me The Clan of the Cave Bear for Christmas. It was a paperback copy, one of those editions with a short, thick spine and thin paper with the texture of construction paper.

I loved that book.

I must've read it at least ten times during my teenage years. I was enthralled with how the neanderthals lived, the hunting and the treating of hides and the making of tools. Their close interaction with the world, and of course, Ayla's story. I did move on and read the three other books that were published during those years, and I liked many things about them. But the sequels, especially The Mammoth Hunters and on, lost the qualities I adored about the first two: that feeling of entering a place in time and in the world that was almost totally foreign, except for people and animals. Reading about how pre-historic people lived—how they survived and the things they invented to make their world bearable—was deeply fascinating to me, but once Alya finally re-joined her species, that sense of things being foreign yet familiar slipped away. The books started to feel like they were full of contemporary problems in a prehistoric setting.

But I have always wanted to have that feeling again. To re-enter that world. So The Last Neanderthal, by Claire Cameron, is a novel I was really excited to read.

It tells the story of Rosamund Gale, who is an archaeologist working in France. She manages to locate a cave that contains two skeletons: one that of a homo sapiens and one of a neanderthal, but lying together in the same grave. She discovers very soon into the dig that she is expecting—a surprise baby—and this puts a wrinkle in her plans, as the excavation will take much longer than nine months. She needs to secure funding for the dig, and oversee the dig, and try to control the narrative about the dig, but her pregnancy might complicate the process.

It also tells the story of Girl, a neanderthal living with her small family. Girl's story starts with a bison hunt that alters the shape of her family, and progresses in a brutal way; losing one person tilts the balance toward near destruction.

The story alternates between Girl's experiences and Rosamund's. Girl is trying to survive the ice-age summer on her own, while Rosamund is trying to both navigate the archeology politics that surround the dig and actually process the site. Rosamund is a scientist with a new theory about the neanderthals: she posits they were much more like homo sapiens than we might guess. She wants to find clues in the sight that support her theories, and the two skeletons, facing each other, will hopefully do just that.

I have mixed feelings about this novel. On one hand, I loved Girl's story. I loved stepping into her prehistoric world, which the author creates with a vividness that captures both the peril and the beauty of that time. Girl is brave and strong, and the invented neanderthal social structures and ways of thinking were intriguing.

I was less enamored of Rosamund's story. I was hoping for more details about the dig itself, of her down in the dirt with a tiny brush. I wanted to gather a sense of what that feels like, unearthing different bones and artifacts inside of a cave. Instead, much of her story was the archaeology politics and her struggle to find a balance between doing the work that she loves and trying to come to grips with motherhood. I think the story took this shape to create both a contrast and a connection between Rosamund and Girl: so much time between them, such different life struggles, and yet a similarity, too. They are each striving to find a way to live successfully within their society. But I never felt a strong connection to Rosamund's story, whereas Girl's gripped me utterly. 

Maybe the difference was that in the face of such extreme suffering and difficulty on Girl's part, Rosamund's struggles felt a little bit...pale? I wanted Rosamund to have more of a glimpse of Girl's life, to gather details from the dig itself instead of there being just a few hints at connections for the reader to make.

More archeology, less Ikea.

That said, I'm glad I read this book. I can almost write "if only for Girl's story," but I do appreciate it in its layered construction. Just the straightforward neanderthal story itself would've felt far less complex without the contrast with our modern world.

So: so close to a book I could absolutely relish. I guess Clan of the Cave Bear​ will have to continue standing as the pre-history historical-novel measuring stick for me.

Last week was one of changes, of endings and new beginnings. Before I write those down though, here’s my favorite picture from the week:

I took it while we were eating dinner at Burgers Supreme together. It could only be better if Nathan were also there, but alas, he was at work that night. Haley came down for a quick visit, which was great. She is so busy during this, her last year of college, and I think it helps her to feel happier when she’s busy like that. She and Jake both went to the eye doctor and then I helped them pick out glasses (so far, no one has horrible eyesight like I do, but all three of the Bigs now need glasses for driving, watching movies, and reading the board in class). French fries and burgers (fish sandwich for Haley & Kendell though) and laughing. We haven’t managed to get Jake available at the same time Haley was home for a while, and the last time they saw each other was in May when we went to Hawaii. So this picture makes my heart hurt, but in a good way. That achy, sweet thing I feel so often now, of time’s transition and of how much I love the people they are becoming.

Sniff.

Anyway.

The changes that I wrote about a few weeks ago (“wrote” in a vague, I-can’t-write-about-this-yet way) is that Kendell got a new job. This is HUGE for him, as he’s worked for this company (in its several iterations) since 1991. But he was at last ready for some changes. So, this was his last week working at Microfocus. He’s starting his new job, at a company called Proof Point, on Monday. He’s worried about and discussed and talked through this decision all week (even though the decision was already made). It’s hard leaving the company and product he’s worked on for most of his adult life. But the opportunity to go to a new company, make a fresh start, and have other chances at positions will be great for his career, I think. And his psyche. Is it cheesy to say I’m proud of him? Maybe. But I am…proud of him for taking a step in a new direction.

Because his new company doesn’t offer a cell phone, he had to get a new one. And since the S8 was on a bogo, I also got a new one. So: new phones. (But not new phone numbers. Would you believe I’ve had the same cell phone number since 1993, when we got our first cell phone? And yes. It was one of those grey phones the size of a brick!)

And then, the new vehicle we’ve been saving for finally arrived. We sold our minivan this summer, as we didn’t need so much space anymore. (I might’ve shed some tears when we told our Sienna—which the kids had nicknamed the “fat puma,” FP for short—not so much because I loved it sooooo much, but because selling it was a marker of the ending of a time in my life.) We bought a new Highlander and it’s perfect for us. I told Kendell that I can’t wait to toss my snowshoes in the back and head up the canyon in it this winter!

Kaleb had his last soccer game of the season on Monday. His team won, but he didn’t score any goals, so he had some mixed feelings. I heard the coach of the other team (and some parents) shout “block #1!” more than once, so he was heavily guarded! Then on Tuesday morning I took him in to the dermatologist. He’s had this big wart growing on his toe knuckle; it’s been removed three times already but keeps coming back. This time the doctor tried a chemo drug, injected right into the wart. Hopefully that will take care of it. (He wanted it off as soon as it started growing back, but I didn’t want him to have to miss soccer practice and games because of hurting feet.) He is starting to make a group of friends at his new school, and they like to get out and do things. So this week he went to a birthday party, to a trampoline park, and to a movie, all with friends. (It still feels strange that he is growing up!)

Nathan is deep inside his senior year at this point. Studying all the time for his ACT retake, which is this Saturday. For his AP art class, he had to choose a concentration, a subject to focus on for the whole year for his art homework. He chose to paint women from Greek mythology. Last week he was busy painting Europa riding the bull (who was Zeus in disguise). I’ve so enjoyed telling him the stories I know, revisiting the myths and remembering things I’d forgotten. But I still have the last line of “Leda and the Swan” kicking around in my memory: “Did she put on his knowledge with his power/Before the indifferent beak could let her drop?” so I looked it up and read the whole thing to him. Which lead to us talking about rape, consent, choice, and his responsibility in all of that. (I’m glad he’s open to talking about almost anything. We have some great conversations.)

Last week was the end of the term, so both Nathan and Kaleb worked quite a bit on the last-minute flurry to bring their grades up. (Sigh. I have mixed feelings about this. It’s good they’re making sure to get it done, but why wait until the end of the term?)

I got some good running in. My favorite run was on Saturday morning. It was windy when I left, but a warm wind, and there were leaves blowing everywhere. It was still sunny (although, the clouds were coming) and bright, and all of those leaves—different colors, different types—were just so pretty. About half-way through my run, then wind stopped, and I started crossing streets in strange places just so I didn’t miss any leaf piles on sidewalks. Running through leaf piles = a blissful sort of heaven! Then, about ten minutes later, the wind started up again, cold this time, and the clouds filled the sky. I got home just before the storm arrived. It was lovely! (Except for the two new blisters I came home with.)

I finished a book, Poetry Will Save Your Life, and then resumed my mammoth reading project (the 1000+ pages of It are an undertaking). I made a couple of layouts and bought a few more pieces of fabric for my soccer quilt. And I made pumpkin chocolate-chip cookies.

It was a pretty good week.

Yesterday got away from me so I’m posting this a day late. (Church, where I taught a lesson on how to be more Christlike in our efforts to take care of the poor and needy, and then a little wander with Kendell, and then a nap, and then dinner which I loved—roast beef, scalloped potatoes, acorn squash, and biscuits—not just for the food but because the kids came and helped me cook and really: I need to do that more often, even if it makes the kitchen feel crowded.) But last week was a pretty good week, so I’m not going to skip. (And I just want to keep the momentum going!)

Last Sunday, after church, Kendell and I went for a hike. We kept debating whether or not we should go, because while it was sunny and almost-warm when we got up, by 10:00 it was cold, windy, and grey. But I knew the leaves would start losing their color soon, so we bundled up and went. It was chilly, but not too bad once we were moving (except for my hands…should’ve worn my running gloves), and the bonus of hiking on a cold day is we had the trail almost entirely to ourselves. Plus the trees were on fire with color. Autumn hiking is the best!

(Kendell was teasing me about my hiking "outfit." I probably do match too much, lol!)

I’m trying to be hopeful that my recent mood upswing is a thing I can trust. I got out and went running twice last week, but I’ve got to ramp it up this week as I finally signed up for a half marathon. I’m going to run the Brooklyn Half in November, when we go to New York. I’m fairly excited to run a race in a different state, as I’ve never actually done that before. I also really, really love running in the fall, and I’m enjoying so much, this year, not having the anxiety of a heart surgery looming over us like we did for the past two autumns.

In his English class, Nathan read Oedipus the King, and last week he was working on an essay about it. We had some pretty good conversations about fate, choice, why bad things happen, and if they are unavoidable. I so love it when school influences relationships in positive ways. He played in his first volleyball tournament on Saturday, which we missed because I didn’t find out about it until that morning and I hadn’t planned for it. (Since I work two Saturdays a month, the Saturdays I don’t work are usually full of a long list of to-do items.) But he loved playing again, his team won 5 out of their 8 games, and he loves his coach. I’m so glad he switched from basketball to volleyball. I don’t know if this is just a Utah County thing, but the emotional environment of his basketball team was utterly toxic. Volleyball seems so much more laid back and supportive of everyone. He’s much happier with this sport.

Kaleb had his first parent-teacher conference for junior high. I couldn’t go because it was on the night I worked, but Kendell took him to it. I’ve worried about Kaleb in junior high being successful at academics (not because of ability but because I wasn’t sure he’d take it seriously) but he is doing great. He had two grades he needed to bring up before the end of the term this week, and has been doing that on his own without me prompting him. In his English class they’re reading the novel Wonder, which I loved. He’s read it before but is enjoying revisiting the story.

I finished the book I was reading for my book group and then I picked It back up. I need to just power through and finish it, because I have so many other books waiting. I also finally got all of the Halloween pics printed from the past 22 Halloweens, so I can put them in a simple little scrapbook. Photos coming soon! This summer I decided to try making some monthly family layouts—one double-page spread with photos from the month and list-style journaling. I realized that there are so many pictures that never get printed, and this is a good way to remedy that. I made the July, August, and September layouts last week and they came together quickly (I'm keeping them super simple). Not sure how long I'll do this—once Nathan moves out and it's just Kaleb at home, will I have enough family pics to keep it up?—but I am enjoying it, even if I only do it for a year.

I had a little meltdown this week (despite my improving mood!) based entirely on trump’s tinkering with the world. I am troubled by his careless actions, executive orders that hack away at things without giving any solutions, but what really pushed me over the edge was Rob Bishop working on dismantling the Antiquities Act. I wonder how much money he is getting from oil companies? Also the approval for the mine bid in Alaska. When trump was elected one thing I felt consistently was a sort of furious terror at what he will cause to happen to our environment. People’s lives will be negatively impacted by his decisions in terms of health insurance and taxes and policies. My life will be. (With two people in our family with heart conditions—which, I have to add even though it is wrong I feel compelled to add this—came about not because of their choices but because of genetics—you can bet that I am terrified about what will happen with our healthcare.) But the damage done to the physical world cannot be undone. It doesn’t just affect now, but the future. And it sends me to dark, sad places. Anyway, I posted about this sadness on Facebook, and although there were a few comments that made me grind my teeth a bit, there were some really kind, supportive comments too. I probably spend too much time on my social media (I always say “it’s like having friends,” in Luna’s voice in my head) and it’s not always positive, but sometimes it’s magical, the support it can bring.

And that, friends, is the wrap up of another week of October, my favorite month. Hoping this week continues on with the better mood!

September was a hard month for me. I got a cold right at the beginning of the month and it zapped every ounce of my energy. And then I lost all of my running motivation. Most mornings, instead of running I just went back to bed after the kids went to school. I tried…but I just had nothing.

For whatever reason, sometime on Wednesday of last week, the fog cleared. I started feeling like I had energy again, and excitement to get outside and run. So on Thursday, I finally hit the trail again, and it felt amazing. I really hope this upswing is a permanent change, because I don’t like myself when I’m feeling so blue and sluggish.

Last week was also a week of sewing. One of my nieces is having a baby, so I needed to make a gift. Three different trips to different fabric stores and I had three different projects to work on. I finished two of them, and got the third one entirely cut out. And I was re-motivated to dig out my pink-and-black half-square triangle project from last winter. Maybe it was the playing with fabric that helped me feel better???

Nathan has entered the super-busy life of a senior. ACT prep, big art projects, volleyball practice, work, homework, time with his girlfriend, and napping when he can fit it in. For his AP art class, they have to do a year-long concentration where they focus on one topic. He’s chosen women in Greek mythology (he is in love with the Myths & Legends podcast), so last week he was drawing Arachne and Athena. His first piece turned out fantastic! Plus…it was kind of, I don’t know. “Cool” isn’t exactly the right word. But it is something to have a hurricane Nate kicking around!

I got to see Jake this week. He’s getting an intense treatment for warts on his hands…so we meet up at the dermatologist every two weeks or so. I’m not glad he got such a bad infection, but I am glad for a reason to see him. He seemed happy and relaxed this week, which made me feel happy and relaxed too. No Haley sightings, but holy cow. When I woke up to the news of the Las Vegas shooting, my first reaction was “thank God she doesn’t like country music.” She’s gone to many concerts in Vegas…maybe it is selfish of me when so many mothers DID lose their children in that awful shooting (Oh how my heart hearts for those moms who lost their kids). But I’m so glad she’s safe and wasn’t there.

This week I really realized just how TWELVE Kaleb is. He’s moody…obnoxious one second, sad the next. He loves seventh grade and then he hates it. I’m pretty sure there’s stuff going on he’s not telling me about. I’m trying to be present and welcoming to any kind of discussion he’s willing to have. But man. Junior high is so hard on kids. WHY does it have to be so hard? And why does their brain insist on making it harder for them by keeping secrets? I keep telling him to remember that his parents aren’t the enemy…we’re on his side. (Meanwhile though, my brain—and my heart—everything in me is freaking out because when did this happen? He was my baby for so long. And now he’s not.)

Kendell had something big happen this week. Enormous, actually. But I can’t quite talk about it yet. So...until I can, I will say that the big thing is not the fact that we planned another trip to New York this week. Heading there in November. 

On Saturday I went to the baby shower I made the quilt for. I only had a little while to be there, because I went on my lunch hour, but it just made me happy. Ever since I found that bread bag of photos, I’ve been thinking about family connections. There is one photo in the bag, a family pic from the Christmas I was a baby, and my dad looks exactly like Jake. Well, “exactly,” if Jake had a rounder face and a black handlebar 1970s mustache, but still. His eyes and mouth are the same. And it just made me think, about my dad and my grandparents and my cousins and my aunts and uncles and my kids and my nieces and nephews and greats. And my future grandkids. None of us is identical, we all have different traits and interests and body shapes and lives. But we also have connections and similarities, places where our lives overlap. I wish my extended family was closer, especially my cousins, but I don’t know how to make that happen. But I can strengthen my relationships with the people who care about me and who I care about.

So that’s why this is my favorite picture from last week:

Even though I wish there were others in it. Sometimes I feel like a great big lonely stretch is headed my way, when I will need to learn to embrace doing things by myself. It feels like such a strong prompting that I can’t ignore it. But this day felt like the opposite of that. Or an addendum: you might feel alone at times, but sometimes other people will surround you. I love all of these women—my mom, two of my sisters, and my nieces. They are amazing in different ways and add so much to my life, and I am proud of each of them. And blessed to have relationships with them.

Last week could be categorized by lots of stuff I didn’t do. I didn’t exercise. I didn’t go outside much. I didn’t mow the lawn even. I didn’t cook much. I didn’t sit outside and enjoy the fall weather. I took almost no photographs.

Mostly I just fought a headache.

My theory is that my headache has to do with my left eyebrow, which I am totally self-conscious about because it’s uneven. So I’m always unconsciously pulling up my forehead. And eventually it catches up to me and I get a left-temple headache.

Anyway.

I was feeling better on Thursday, which was good because my mom and sister needed some help. My sister is moving in with my mom, but before that can happen, my mom needs to empty her basement of all the boxes she brought when she moved. There is a lot of stuff to go through. And I really wanted to be helpful. But then I got sidetracked when I found this bread bag.

This bread bag full of photos.

Seriously. Photos I’ve never seen before, of my parents and my grandparents. My cousin with my grandparents when she was a newborn. Becky when she was a newborn. Family photos and birthday photos and baby photos. Not all of me (actually…not very many with me), but that’s OK.

I think my sister was like “Hey! There’s boxes over here!” but I could not, could not, resist going through and looking at every single photo.

I’ve since sorted them into different groups, and am trying to decide where to get them scanned. I am not sure it will make much sense to many people, but these unseen photos mean so much to me.

Headache and photos aside, I did accomplish a few things. I made two scrapbook layouts. I helped Nathan with his ACT prep. I did read a little bit, too (I am rereading It.)

On Sunday, when I had a little headache reprieve, I wanted to just get outside. So Nathan and I took a drive. We went on the Alpine loop, which is a road up and over the mountains in the Wasatch. It had stormed all weekend, and snow had fallen in the mountains. It was an amazingly beautiful drive. Low in the canyon the trees were already brilliant but the storm was still going, so the clouds and mist were curving around the crags of the mountain. As we got higher, snow started gathering, on the green tree leaves and the orange ones, and in delicate wisps on the pine trees. We got out and walked here and there. We drove slowly around the curves, we admired the rows of aspen trees against the snow. Sometimes we talked and sometimes we didn’t, and it was exactly what I needed. (Even though it didn’t keep the headache away!)

Kaleb had just one soccer game this week, on Thursday. It was a gorgeous afternoon (so much nicer than the previous week’s very cold and windy game) and they almost pulled off a win—3-2! But Kaleb did get to score on a penalty kick so it wasn’t a total bust.

Nathan got some awesome news this week, he got invited to be on a really great volleyball team. It’ll add some stress to his life but he’s super excited and I’m pretty proud of him landing a spot on a team based just on his reputation.

But last week wasn’t really my favorite. I’m hoping this week will be better. It is, after all, October. I need to get over my fear of being cold and get outside more. I hope this week will be better.