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Gratitude #5: Observance

On Wednesday night, Brian Doyle spoke at our library. I was late, but as I was walking in he said this:

If you pay attention, every moment has holiness.

I don't always achieve it, but I believe it being observant. In paying attention and noticing the—the way a thing feels. Even if it is a hard thing, except lately I am more and more adept at avoiding feeling what is hard.

I am working on not doing that.

Because even the hard moments have holiness, if you look at them closely. If you feel what they feel like.That's because holiness doesn't equate with joy. At least, not always. Instead, for me, holiness is presence. Is being alive instead of just living. The rough. The buttery. The delicious or sweet or bitter.

These are all rich.

For my own personal soul candy, I'm grateful that I've developed whatever level of observance I have. It centers me and helps me cope. It makes things mean more to no one else but myself, which is all that I need or, really can ever control.

Tonight, I stayed up late, preparing Thanksgiving. We are having two this year, since my niece is leaving on an LDS mission right before the real one. Tomorrow is the first one, with the niece.

Well, today is, as I've stayed awake until Saturday.

I made roll dough, pie crust, and cranberry mousse. I made an enormous mess. I talked to my boys when I could coax them upstairs and I listened to music—the same playlist I listened to in Italy—when I couldn't.

I sang along.

I stood with my face in the steam rising from cranberries popping into softness in sugar. It's a delicate smell, the cranberry sauce. You have to get close and pay attention to really smell it, but when it's mixed with the fragrance of rising yeast?

That is Thanksgiving, even two weeks early.

Later, once all the making was done and the washing of pans and bowls and mixer parts finished, I went outside to take the garbage and the recycling out. It was misty and cold, since it rained today and there is snow in the mountains. Nearly a fog, but a faint one, right on top of the blacktop. The sky was clear, so I stood in my neighbor's driveway and looked at the stars—Orion, and the Big Dipper, and all of the lights without names. The moon was nearly full and there was a ring of cloud around it. "Sax and Violins" by Talking Heads came on and I just stood, shivering but happy. There were sparkles of frost on the crispy leaves.

"We were criminals who never broke no laws." I actually sang it out loud, and then I realized how weird I must've looked: covered in flour, with sticky bits of cranberries splattered on my forehead, in my pajamas. Standing in the neighbor's yard, looking at the stars, singing out loud.

At 1:00 in the morning.

But it was worth the potential my-neighbors-think-I'm-weird risk. Because love will keep us together and alive. Because looking up, looking weird, looking around—these things make it real. You miss everything if you don't look. Observance makes things holy.

I'm watching while the birds go flying home. (Even though there were only stars, clouds, mist, the moon, and darkness in the sky.)


Gratitude #4: Don't Roll Your Eyes!

A few weeks ago, I decided I couldn't stand the mess that my closet had become. I went through every shelf and every hanger, and I was ruthless: if I didn't love it or need it, really, anymore, then I put it in the donate pile. I tossed ancient sweatshirts, plenty of computer-industry t-shirts, and lots of under Ts because it's true I only wear the black or white ones. I got rid of pants that were just-barely-too-short or never really fit right, skirts that were just the wrong length (mid calf doesn't look good on me) or too fluffy, jackets that looked dated. Shirts that were too small or fit my arms weird or didn't meet my long-enough-in-the-torso requirements.
 
(I took all of this to the D.I., and not three days later my sister-in-law told me about a consignment shop that will actually buy your used clothes, if they're in good condition and didn't come from Old Navy. Sigh.)
 
I realized, looking at my newly-toned-up closet (all the extraneous flab is gone!), a couple of things:
 
1. I have gotten much better at buying things I'll really wear. Most of what I got rid of has been hanging around for quite awhile.
2. I've gotten stuck in a clothing rut, wherein I wear the same eight things over and over.
3. I have a lot of cute pieces I should wear more often.
4. I own a lot of cardigans.
 
In fact, I don't think I got rid of a single cardigan. I did, however, just last weekend add a new one to my collection. When Kendell saw what I was buying he said "I know you're a librarian, but do you really need to buy another cardigan?"
 
As this one wasn't just any old boring cardigan, but a color blocked one in a perfect length and with long sleeves (I like longer sleeves that reach down to my palms if necessary), I ignored him and bought it anyway.
 
What can I say? I love cardigans. (But not, ever, ever, cardis. I can't fully explain why, but that word makes me shudder.)
 
And yes, it's sort of a librarian thing. But what you might not realize is that libraries have their own weather systems. Sometimes it's hot, and then you can take your cardigan off. Sometimes it's chilly and you can put it back on. (This does, often, happen on the exact same day.) Sometimes it's so cold your hands are freezing and you can barely type, but you're in luck because your cardigan has longer sleeves and at least you can cover your palms. We librarians don't necessarily wear cardigans as fashion pieces (although, I do have several that I think of as "decorative cardigans," which are cute but not really very warm), but because we never know when it's going to be freezing at the fiction desk.
 
When I came home from shopping and hung up my new cardigan, I looked again at my skinny closet. And I decided I needed to make a goal to get out of my clothing rut and actually wear some of those cute pieces I own.
 
I started this on Tuesday by wearing this corduroy jacket:
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to work. I love it. It's a particularly "Amy" sort of piece, with the muted colors and the paisley print. But halfway through my shift I had another realization: partly why my jackets remain mostly unworn is that I don't enjoy wearing them. I feel restrained. Stiff. Held in place by my clothing. What's worse, while they do add a layer of warmth, they lack the coziness that's inherent to a soft cardigan.
 
So yeah. Maybe they are the fashion equivalent of a toddler's blankie, the soft warm thing she can't go anywhere without. (Blankie...cardi...maybe it's the infantile association that makes me shudder?) But not only do I love cardigans, I'm actually grateful for them. (I told you not to roll your eyes!) For their portability (you can shove one in your work bag or sling one over the back of a chair), their ease of access (you can take a cardigan off without feeling like you're taking off your clothes, as you might in a non-cardigan-type sweater), their structure (you get to do two things in a cardigan, wear a shirt and coordinate it with something else, so two statements at once, even if the cardigan is saying "Librarian"). I'm grateful to have a versatile collection so I can grab one when I'm running late, right out of my closet, instead of having to dig it out of the laundry room.
 
I'm grateful for their soft, warm, coziness.
 
What article of clothing are you grateful for?

Gratitude #3: Words

But not just words in themselves. The way that, say, you wake up aching from one of those certain reoccuring dream tropes (on that particular morning, for me, it was gymnastics) and then you happen to read something that isn't exactly the same but still means the same, like

the way you watch yourself
in a recurring dream.
You never lose your touch
or forget how taxed bodies
go at the same pace they owe,
how brutally well the universe
works to be beautiful,
how we metabolize loss
as fast as we have to.
                (William Matthews) 

I dream that way because I haven't forgotten how my taxed body went anyway, and because I am still metabolizing that loss, and then I felt that sad happiness that I was never able to write it that way but at least someone else could.

Later I read this, from a Marge Piercy poem:

The real writer is one
who really writes. Talent
is an invention like phlogiston
after the fact of fire.
Work is its own cure. You have to
like it better than being loved.

And then this, from a Delia Ephron essay:

"Our job as writers, as we begin that journey, is to figure out what we can do. Only do what you can do. It's a rule I live by. . . . If you only do what you can do, you never have to worry that someone else is doing it. It keeps you from competing. It keeps you looking inside for what's true rather than outside for what's popular. Ideally. Your writing is your fingerprint."

Reading—words—writing. All of it, for me, intersects with life, and if I am open, if I am actively reading and paying attention, I learn what I need to know, I am comforted in a way I didn't expect, I find parallels between my life and someone else's (usually nothing like mine) that lift or enlighten or calm.

Words, and the intersections they make, cause me to stride through my life with much more confidence. With more peace. I need them to be who I am. That, to me, is one of the magics of words, how other people's lives, complete strangers or utterly fictious beings, illuminate mine. I come to know some of what they know, and in this way am made wiser.

I've been known to neglect seemingly-important things, like laundry or cleaning the bathroom or figuring out dinner at a decent hour, in order to keep reading. Sometimes this causes conflicts in my world, and probably it seems selfish. Probably it is selfish. Because it's about me and what I need. Even though I need it to perform the rolls I'm needed in.

It's circular.

Yesterday I read this beautiful and heartbreaking essay in American Scholar. It has almost nothing of "me" in it: it's written by a man, who has two young daughters, and is dying of cancer. None of which are experiences I am having. But still. The intersection, for thirty minutes or so, of Christian Wiman's life and mine gave me a little more life in my life. It made me feel, think, imagine, fear, and tear up. It was what he said about grief, and Christianity, and living; he made me nod and say yes:

"Experience means nothing if it does not mean beyond itself: we mean nothing unless and until our hard-won meanings are internalized and catalyzed within the lives of others."

Which is saying what I am saying, except with more wisdom, and which is why reading is more than just a story, and why writing will always tug at me, and why I will always be grateful for words, despite the conflicts: because they are they way that my experiences and other people's are given meaning.


Mormon Fiction

A recent article in the New York Times has left me thinking about the state of LDS writing. Go ahead: click through and read it, it's short, but interesting. Not perfectly awesome and amazing; it makes many wildly enormous summary statements like "Mormons gravitate even more powerfully than other Christians toward genre fiction." Hmmmm....really? And I, for one, am generally the opposite of sparkly and upbeat. But it makes some relevant points.

Plus it's cool to see two of my BYU professors mentioned in the NY Times (even if one of them is sort of an egotistical jerk.)

To sum up: the main point of the article is that there are so many LDS people writing successful fantasy novels because of our sunny and optimistic outlook. As this perspective doesn't fit into the literary fiction genre (which Shannon Hale says requires the "decline and the ultimate destruction of the human spirit"), the article argues, those creative LDS types turn to fantasy because that's the only place that allows for optimism. (Also, according to the article, because novels without drinking and/or lots of sex are eventually categorized as some genre or another, but not literary. I think I could find a few exceptions...)
 
But I would argue that even the contemporary fiction written by LDS writers is fantasy.

Granted, much of what follows is filtered through my religious perspective, and I am far from the world's best example of being a Mormon. Perhaps if I were more successful at it, and didn't doubt and question, and need to find my own answers, and have the tendency to think, "yeah, but...," my perspective would be different.
 
I remember, when I read My Name is Asher Lev for the first time, wondering—and I may have even written this as an annotation—why the same thing isn't done with the LDS faith. We are intelligent, creative people, and yet often our fiction doesn't so much strive or grapple with our faith as simplify it. Much of the writing that is set in LDS families is generally very...mushy. It looks at troubles and more often than not finds a solution through faith, but it always seems entirely too easy in my mind. A few prayers, a trip to the temple, maybe a talk with a friend or religious leader, and then ah-ha! A dream is dreamed, a whisper of the Spirit is heard, or the perfect talk is shared over the pulpit! The problem is solved.
 
I know I am generalizing here, and I know there are exceptions.  (Read the story at this link  for example, if you want to be troubled for the next twenty years or so.) There are a few LDS novels that are the exact opposite of what I am describing, stories that explore the implications of what it really means to live as an LDS person. In general, though, the easily-fixed plot line has been my experience with LDS fiction. I confess that I hold up my irritation and contempt for such novels without having explored the genre thoroughly. I've read annotations of a bajillion of them, but my reading of actual LDS novels ended with one that was about a woman caught in a bad marriage; the solution was that her husband was killed in a car wreck and then she was free to marry the other guy she'd been sharing a sort of friendship with.
 
Upon further thought, this plot development seems like it would qualify for at least a little bit of darkness, but it all happened so cheerily. "Look! Through someone's death my life is improved! That God of ours sure is clever!" Killing the problem isn't really a solution; it's just the ultimate deus ex machina. Even though it is something that could have a thorough development—I mean, what if you really were in a bad marriage? And sometimes you were so mad/upset/hurt/demoralized by your husband that you wished he was dead? And then he died. To me, that wouldn't be a solution. It would create other problems, like guilt, and doubt, and...other things you'd explore in an actual novel. In this book, though, the main character mourned a bit for the death of her awful husband, and then she got remarried to the other guy, and all was sunshine and light because, well, she didn't commit adultery, did she?
 
I'd call it a fairy tale except I admire fairy tales.
 
Think of what Asher Lev grapples with in Potok's novel. In order to express a truth, Asher creates paintings that alienate his family and religious community. They do not understand his work, but he doesn't know how to say (in paintings) his own truths in ways that would be safe within his religion. In the end, he makes a choice between the truths he wants to express in his art and the truths he has learned in his religion. Asher has to agonize over decisions and he isn't always sure what is right; nor are his parents. He has his faith but he has to figure out how to live with it, or if he even can. It isn't a happy ending—but to me, it is a true one. If you recast this into a typical LDS novel, Asher might've prayed, and been given a different artistic vision, or Aryeh might have convinced his son to make less divisive paintings, or maybe Rivkeh would've interceded and smoothed everything out, but somehow there would've been peace at the end, and a happy ending.
 
And to me, that is the greatest fantasy of them all: that if you pray hard enough, or live righteously enough, or are a good enough person, the things you are troubled with will eventually fall away. You will conquer them and you will do this using the tool of your faith. To me, this sets up a false expectation; if all I ever read were LDS novels, I would probably think of myself as a failure at living my faith, as my troubles have not fallen away, and many of my prayers have not been answered with a resounding, obvious, heavenly yes. I don't understand everything about my religion and some of our beliefs (traditions? doctrines? habits?) sit uneasily with me. Not so in the novels. All of those characters in all of those novels, living their virtuous lives—their doubts (when they have them) are explained, their problems are solved, their prayers are answered.
 
To me, this is a highly immoral act of a creative person: to create a false expectation of ease. To pass off as real and true a world where praying and living righteously are methods by which one avoids difficult things. Where there are always answers we can understand. Because think of someone who has experienced something hard for a long time, or maybe their entire lives. Did this hard thing continue to happen because they weren't faithful enough? Because they didn't pray enough? Because they weren't good enough? Of course not. Who knows, really, why a person experiences the hardships they do? Only God, in the end, and if I know anything it is this: God isn't Santa Claus.
 
The typical LDS novel to me is a mockery of my faith. It creates a silly, shallow version of an experience which is profound, complex, puzzling, moving, frustrating, and very often unfathomable. Such novels present a black-and-white portrait, whereas living faith is multicolor, nefarious, hard to pin down. Shaded and ellusive and far more complex than black and white.
 
I bump against this problem so often when I am writing that it stymies me. I don't necessarily want to write an LDS novel about LDS experiences; the stories banging around in my head aren't religious that way. But how do I separate my generally LDS perspective from the world at large? How do I know, for example, how it feels to have a regular, everyday grown up life that includes drinking wine with dinner? From my LDS experiences, drinking is something people do to rebel against the constraint not to drink, so our relationship with alcohol is different than a regular, everyday American's. So do I pretend I know what it feels like to have a different relationship to alcohol than I do? Do I avoid alcohol in my stories altogether? I don't want to write my characters as Mormons but I don't know what the world looks like without the Mormon perspective.
 
Do Catholics write novels with, say, Muslim characters? Or Protestants with a Wiccan narrator? Or can you, being a religious person, write a novel that is not always imbued with a religious perspective? How do you write a story that doesn't look through your own religious lens while still maintaining a sense of reality?
 
Maybe that really is why we write so much fantasy.
 
Which brings me back to Asher Lev. I don't think it is impossible—obviously—for an LDS woman from Utah to resonate so strongly with a book about a Jewish artist. I would imagine that many non-Jewish, non-artist people have read and resonated with My Name is Asher Lev. This is what good literature does: it transcends the situation we are in so that we can see, question, understand, or wonder at someone else's. But as much as I want to read (and perhaps even write) a novel that grapples with the LDS faith in true and difficult ways, I can't picture many other people wanting such a book. Does a market exist for it? Who would read it? Many of the Mormon readers I know (although, not all of them!) not only want to continue to read the usual LDS novel, they see it as a sign of their righteousness. So that leaves non-Mormons, and would a non-Mormon person be able to resonate with a Mormon story in the same way that so many non-Jewish people resonate with Asher's Jewish story?
 
Is the Mormon perspective simply too strange—too sunny and uplifting, as the NY Times article describes it—to resonate?
 
I want there to be a Mormon Shakespeare or Milton. Even better, a Mormon Chopin, or Flannery O'Conner or Christina Rosetti. Or how about an LDS Sylvia Plath while we're at it? I have too much faith in the creative process and the power of literature to doubt that there could be a writer who could do this: make an LDS perspective (a real one, not a flat, perfect one) resonate outside of the LDS culture. I think it hasn't happened yet because it requires a writer to look at his or her faith through a critical perspective—to see not only its good points but its weaknesses, and then to see how the weaknesses are a counterpoint to its goodnesses. (Not just something to brush away lightly.) It would require us to step outside of the fantasy we sometimes create in our actual living, breathing lives and to be honest about what happens. In my mind, a faith that is true should be strong enough to withstand this sort of critical examination. This is terrifying, of course, but is there another way to create great literature?

Gratitude #2: Other People's Babies

Last Saturday I was busy sewing this:

 

20131102_194411
(Sewing a whole-cloth baby quilt for my new nephew.)

My sister-in-law had her baby on Halloween, and I can't arrive at a new baby's house without something soft and warm! While I sewed, I thought about my sewing machine. Kendell surprised me with it on the Christmas morning I was pregnant with Kaleb. I burst into tears. Like—real, live sobbing. Like I had to leave the room I was crying so hard. Not just because he had surprised me with something so awesome, but because I had visions of all the quilts I'd make for my own babies.

Except there wasn't going to be more babies. Just one more. Who I love desperately, of course.

But for a long, long time, I wanted one more.

So sewing baby quilts became a way to feed my baby hunger. I couldn't seem to make another baby happen in my family, but I could still celebrate someone else's baby by sewing for them, and that eased my ache a little bit. Holding their newborns did, too.

Eventually my baby hunger began to fade. 

On Sunday, we stopped by my brother-in-law's house. His sister, who is the person I was making that blanket for, was there with her new baby, and his daughter, who also has a new baby. Two brand-new babies at once! I was in heaven.

As they always do when there is a new baby around, my family members started joking with me about when I would have another one. I pointed out that I am 41, and did my standard joke about needing a younger husband before I'd be willing to have another baby. But I realized (again...as this is a knowledge I must continually reaquaint myself with) that I really am not baby hungry.

I don't want a baby.

That ache is gone. I am left with another sadness. I hear friends say things like "when I had my last baby, I knew I was done." I never had that feeling. Even though I don't want another baby, I still feel like I missed a baby I was supposed to have. Either between Nathan and Kaleb, or after Kaleb.

I wish that I had a six-year-old as my youngest, so that Kaleb would have another kid his age to play with, instead of having only teenagers to hang out with.

I don't know what else I could've done to have called that missing child into existence, but I missed the opportunity. And while the baby hunger has gone away, I don't know that this other feeling will ever leave me. It is a strange sort of missing—a person who never existed. And yet I do feel this continuous loss.

Sometimes, when I am counting my kids at, say, Disneyland, I find myself counting to five and looking for the one I'm missing. Then I remember it's the one I never had.

So I held my latest nephew. And I held my latest great-nephew. Holding babies without feeling baby hungry is sort of a strange thing for me. It doesn't heal anything because the sore is scarred over. Instead, it's just a baby: sweet, and adorable, and precious. A new person!

 

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holding Eli, the twentieth kid I am an aunt to.


They don't alleviate my feeling of having missed one of my children. But other people's babies remind me that babies still are born. That babies are awesome. That one day I'll maybe have my own grandchildren.

So I am grateful for other people's babies. To sew for, to hold, to coo over. To drench myself in that newborn smell. To stretch out my heart and to give me hope. 


This Feels Personal

I remember the first time I heard a library patron say something like this: "Oh, I never buy any books. Why would I when they are free at the library?"

I was, I confess, stunned. Sure: they are free at the library. I suppose it makes a sort of financial sense, if you are able to overlook the intrinsic immorality of not supporting writers and other creative folk. But really it was the tone of the statement, a sort of bragging. As if there are extra points awarded if you make it to the end of your life without ever having purchased a book.

That bothered me for awhile, until I heard it repeated (in different variations) enough times to realize: people want something for nothing.

This year, the town I both live in and work for had an excruciatingly important election. We were voting for a new mayor, three city council positions, and two tax issues. One of the tax issues was simply to continue the Care Tax, which helps fund arts in our town. The second was a increase in property tax that would help the city actually, you know, run.

I'm so disappointed this morning by the results that I could cry.

Actually I have cried.

First off, the mayor who was voted in is a man with a proven track record of dishonesty and incompetence. Not to mention the fact that he is cronies with the one city council member who is sheer poison.

Second, the property tax increase did not pass.

I don't know which fact is going to be worse for my town.

But to me, even knowing that people want to get something for nothing, this feels personal. It feels like the entire city cast a vote against me.

Because I don't only live here, I work here. I go to the library for twenty hours a week, and I help people. I help them find books to read, I teach them how to download e-books to their Kindles, I show them how to find print sources for their children's research paper. I find sheet music for them to use at funerals. I arrange for them to have books to use for their book groups. I look up strange information like, what size is the largest flat screen TV on the market? I show them how to use the Internet and a word processor, how to download a file from their e-mail and start their Facebook account. I listen to them complain, I give them advice, I sometimes even get teary-eyed for them.

I field their endless complaints about the naked statue in the south wing.

I've done this work for just five and a half years now. I work with many people who have done it for decades. And I love my job. I love it. But there is also the fact that in five and a half years, I haven't ever had a raise. I've worked harder, though, as we've lost employees to attrition who have never been replaced. When I started working at the library, there were nine people in our department staff meetings; now there are five.

And the library isn't the only department that is hurting.

The absolute, real truth is that the city has cut as much of its spending as possible, and the tax increase would've helped to turn things around a bit. The candidate who was elected as the mayor turned this into a diatribe about debt and Utopia (the high-speed Internet wiring infrastructure the city is installing), making it seem that something other than raising taxes could be done.

Well, in a sense, he is right.

The other thing that can be done is to cut services.

But think of how all of those get-something-for-nothing people are going to complain when the free services go away.

Because you really can't get anything for nothing. There is no magical money fairy who will pay for things like city parks and their upkeep, and road surfacing, and street lights, and yes: a fairly amazing library. Hoping or praying won't make the money just appear. If people want those things, the money must come from somewhere, and it is no longer coming, enough, from city expansion and sales taxes.

It must come from the citizens, and the ridiculous thing? Taxes on an average house would've gone up about $8 a month. EIGHT dollars. Less than you'd pay if you bought a new novel every month. (Like that would ever happen.)

But this is what most people voted for. Except for the majority of the town—which didn't bother to vote at all.

I'm disgusted by the stupidity.

And I am, to put it bluntly, sad.

Because those same people who cast a vote for dishonesty, incompetence, and drama-mongering are still going to show up at the library. They are still going to ask for my help. They just don't value it enough to actually pay for it.

And I know. I know there are people who will say "Well, just find another job." (I had a meltdown this morning, right over the peanut butter sandwiches I was making, when my actual, real, live husband suggested that.) "I love my job," I could respond, but it is more than that. It isn't only about the fact that I love having a job where I get to talk about books, write about books, handle books, where I help people find the stories that will influence how they think and what they teach their kids and how they implement their faith.

It's bigger than me.

It's that I believe in libraries, and in librarians. It's that I think I'm fairly decent at my job, and I know the people I work with are brilliant at it. It's that I think every community deserves a library staffed with intelligent, responsive librarians—and that those librarians deserve to be compensated for their work.

Should the fact that we love our jobs mean that we shouldn't be paid a fair wage?

(The only reason, quite frankly, that I am able to work at the library is because of Kendell's job. If I had to support us on my own, I would qualify for food stamps on my salary. And I have two college degrees!)

This is one of the big reasons I left teaching: because it devoured all of my time and my soul, and yet I still didn't have enough money to pay for ballet classes.

Working as a librarian doesn't devour my soul, but it doesn't financially support me, either.

It has emotionally supported me, though. But now I don't know if that is enough—because the community I work for doesn't really appreciate it.

And realizing, this morning when I read the election results, that the community I live in doesn't value the work I do?

Yes, it feels personal.


Gratitude #1: He Makes me Laugh

(I am making no promises about blogging a gratitude every day in November, even though that would be really awesome if I managed it! My goal is 15. We shall see!)

One of the things I love about Kendell is that he makes me laugh. We have a similar sense of humor and neither one of us is easily offended. Plus he knows what's funny to me so he'll point it out. Or just spot random stuff. For example, some Halloween-day funnies:

  • We were waiting in the carpool line to pick up Kaleb, and some kids walked out of the school with their mom. One of them was dressed like a policeman, and Kendell said "Look! It's a tiny little male stripper." I was talking a sip of my beverage right when he said this and I totally snorted liquid out of my nose. I didn't realize until he said it that that was exactly what I was thinking.
  • Then we spent the rest of our waiting-in-the-carpool-line time googling male stripper names. And laughing, but luckily without any beverage spewing.
  • I made sugar cookies in the afternoon, and some of them were shaped like ghosts. He kept sneaking over to the (non-frosted) cookies and just eating the arms off the ghosts. 

Don't get me wrong: sometimes Kendell makes me scream. Or cry. Or throw things. Once he made me so mad I started swearing like a sailor right in front of his mom.

But the fact that he makes me laugh all the time? Goes a long way in making the crazy less crazy. Plus, who would want a marriage without laughter?

I'm grateful for his sense of humor and his willingness to "go there" and make me laugh. Until I spew beverages out of my nose!

 

kendell and amy
(That IS his smile!)