My daughter is nearly twelve. And we've been having some momentous occasions at our house, all resulting in her turning into a teenage girl. There are times when this process makes my stomach hurt, like the other night when I watched her walking to our neighbor's house for a sleep over and she did this goofy little dancy step that evoked her six-year-old self so strongly I could nearly reach out and pinch her used-to-be-chubby cheeks. You all know I have a thing about my kids growing up.

But tonight, it was good to be the mom of an almost-12-year-old. Last week, we received a letter letting us know that she'd made it into the Academic Studies program at the junior high she'll attend in the fall. This is our district's version of a gifted & talented program. She tested for it in December, and neither one of us really thought much more about it---I knew I'd be excited if she got in, but I wasn't anxious about it, either. If she got in, great, if not, she could try for the Honors class instead. BUT---she and I were both happy when she got the acceptance letter.

Tonight we went to the junior high for an orientation meeting and to sign the intention papers. We learned all about what will be expected of her, met the teachers, discovered that she already knew two people in the class. As we sat in that classroom, I actually felt a little bit jealous of her. Is that weird? Not in a vindictive or mean way. Just that there is so much to learn in this world, and she has so much in front of her still left to do. So many friends to make and experiences to have. Even the bad ones are worth it in the end. Maybe her future new best friend was in that room (happily, she insists that her current best friend, who's been her best friend since they were both five, will remain her best friend, and I say happily because her insistence shows that she's not yet had any Mean Girl experiences). Maybe she'll fall in love with an author, or an historical time period, or write something she never want to lose. Everything I can think of, nearly, is in front of her.

We walked home in the cold, metallic darkness, talking and laughing. We made sugar cookies when we got home, and since the boys---all of them, even Kendell---were gone, it was just us, laughing and making a mess and eating more raw cookie dough than is good for a person. I was reminded all over again how much I love this girl and how amazing she is. She is opposite of me at that age---I was shy and quiet and insecure, clueless how to do the girl things like make up and the right clothes. She's outgoing and friendly and absolutely sure of herself, and the girl thing? Well, she's got that, too. I love her so much---how lucky am I to have her?

PS, on a completely unrelated topic, I love this article about the newest cliches. It's a little bit snarky but in a good way. I mean...he calls Bono a tax-dodging old geezer. To which I say...the man can be sexy and save the world and be an old geezer, all at once. A fun read if you're geeky like me!

I first saw this idea on my friend Chris's blog: make a list of 100 things about yourself that others might not know. It's taken me a LONG time to make this list! I've pieced it together here and there over the past week. Maybe this is boring belly-button gazing, but here it is, anyway, 100 things about me:

1. I used to be a Close To My Heart demonstrator...but I really only signed up for the discount.
2. Because of #2, I currently own about 500 page protectors, just waiting to be used.
3. One of my clearest memories of television in the 1980s was that weird chick on VH1...Rosie O’Donnell. Weird, but also appealing. I still enjoy watching her but I also still think she’s strange.
4. The only TV shows I watched growing up were Little House on the Prairie and the occasional Love Boat on Saturday nights. People make references to TV shows from the 70s/early 80s and I am always clueless!
5. The only class I didn’t get an A in during my sophomore year in high school was geometry. In fact, it was the only class I hadn’t gotten an A in my whole academic life. I still think I could have understood it...my teacher was, after all, the wrestling coach, and our class was held in a trailer with a broken heater. Seriously.
6. I didn’t attend my senior year of high school at a public school. I went to a community college instead.
7. Because of #6, I don’t get invited to my class reunions, even though I received my diploma when they did (but I didn't walk). This only bothers me because it is evidence of how the Queen Bees still rule the world. At least a little bit.
8. I failed Shakespeare during my first year of college (when I should have been in high school) because the classroom was at the very top of the library; it was tiny —we’re talking room for about 15 desks—and claustrophobia trumps even Will S.
9. Back when it was the only word-processing software anyone in the civilized world used, I worked for WordPerfect.
10. I still, to this day, use WordPerfect. And I still have all the Function keys memorized, so I don’t have to touch the mouse for almost anything.
11. The first thing that made me fall in love with poetry was Edna St. Vincent Millay’s poem "Well, I Have Lost You." Her Collected Poems was the first book of poetry I ever bought.
12. One of my life’s most influential people was my eleventh-grade English teacher, Mrs. Simmons. Even though I was going through some rough things and wasn’t the best or easiest student, she still encouraged me. I’ll forever be grateful to her for teaching me that all good writers aren’t dead white men.
13. The second thing that made me fall in love with poetry was the Bangles’ song "Bell Jar," which is about the poet Sylvia Plath. I now own two battered copies of her Collected Poems (as well as her notebooks/journals, her letters home, a few biographies, her husband Ted Hughes’ book about their relationship, Birthday Letters, and of course her novel The Bell Jar, but who’s counting???)
14. One of my life’s most embarrassing moments happened at an Erasure concert.
15. I’ve had stitches once...when a ring (the type that male gymnasts use) fell out of the ceiling at the gym and landed on my forehead. Nathan has a scar in a nearly-identical place!
16. I used to really and truly not be bothered by a messy house. The older I get, the more bothered I am if my house is messy. Since my husband is an avowed, dedicated neat freak, this process of changing has been good for our marriage.
17. My grandma died in 1990...sixteen years ago, and I still miss her.
18. If I am stressed, extra-tired, depressed, or anxious, I talk in my sleep. A lot. I’ve woken myself up before! This drives Kendell crazy, but as he is a snorer, I say "too bad!!!"
19. When I’m REALLY tired or anxious, I am also a sleepwalker. This happens a lot when I am pregnant, too. I’ll wake up in odd places, or quite often I’ve walked into my closet, gotten dressed, and then went back to bed.
20. One of my bad habits is that I crack my knuckles. I really want to NOT have this habit but by now it is nearly unconscious—I do it without any thought at all!
21. You know how sometimes, when you receive flowers, the leather leaf fern greenery they include has little black seeds on the back? Oh my gosh...those little black seeds FREAK ME OUT. They make my nose itch and send chills down my back. I can’t stand the fern seeds.
22. Although I like a lot of different musicians, I’ve seen Tori Amos in concert the most times...three. Each time with my friend Chris.
23. I wish I had more friends.
24. I still listen to a lot of the music I listened to as a teenager. Depeche Mode, the Cure, Peter Murphy. I love old U2 music but am lukewarm about their new stuff.
25. When I was about two and a half, my dad accidentally spilled hot coffee on my forehead. I seriously think I lost some hair follicles and that my forehead wouldn’t be quite so high if that hadn’t happened.
26. I have A Thing for Hoodies. I love big, comfy hoodies and wear them all the time. Even in the summer if I’m working in the basement, because it’s cold down here!
27. My favorite name for a girl is Moira. Unfortunately, Kendell HATES it, so even if we had had 82 girls, I don’t think I could have ever used that name.
28. The book that made me interested in reading literature is Cat’s Eye by Margaret Atwood. I read it in short story form during my junior year of high school and then was on a quest to find other books like it—it seemed like the first real book I’d ever read.
29. When I was in the fifth grade, I read Little Women ten times.
30. The book that made me want to become a writer is A Handmaid’s Tale, again by the impeccable Margaret A.
31. I got to meet Margaret Atwood once. It was thrilling and I still get annoyed at myself for not bringing a camera!
32. I own all three extendo versions of the Lord of The Rings Trilogy, and I watch them once a year.
33. I love going to fabric stores. Not the big chain stores like Joann, but the little ones. I like to think about all the stuff people could make with that fabric.
34. When I was little, I sometimes would get a plastic lunch bag and "sew" it—just random threads in and around and through it. Those little sewing projects are very clear in my memory, although the motivation and/or purpose for them is lost.
35. I was named after my great-grandma Amy. My grandma (her daughter) used to tell me all kinds of stories about her, but I can’t remember any of them.
36. When my mom was pregnant with my sister Becky, I insisted she name the baby Nathan, even if it was a girl. The Amy I was named for was married to a Nathan. So when I found out that Nathan was a boy, I didn’t have any qualms: he would be named Nathan. We didn’t name Jake Nathan only because our close friends also have a Nathan who’s not much older than Jake.
37. It took us forever to pick out Jake’s name. Same with Kaleb. They both came home from the hospital without a name.
38. February 13^th is our wedding anniversary.
39. I knew Kendell’s sister, brother, and Dad before I knew Kendell—we all worked together back in the working-at-WordPerfect days.
40. I love Lake Powell. We went there nearly every summer when I was growing up and it is one of my favorite places in the world.
41. I have a deep fear that one day we will have to move somewhere hot, seasonless, and mountainless like Arizona or Texas.
42. I once won a literary award for a poem I had published in my school’s lit mag.
43. In real life, I am shy.
44. In the hidden compartment of my jewelry box, I still have some of my goth-girl necklaces. I sometimes like to look at them and am immediately engulfed with how it felt to be a teenager.
45. When I was growing up, we also went to Las Vegas nearly every summer. Now that I am an adult, Las Vegas isn’t as appealing to me.
46. I don’t paint my fingernails. Nor do I have acrylic nails. I pick my nails, and keep them obsessively clean, but otherwise they are very neglected.
47. I can’t stand to have anything underneath my fingernails. Dirt under someone else’s fingernails creeps me out.
48. I like to sew, but I am not very good at it.
49. When Kendell surprised me with my sewing machine a few years ago, I broke down and sobbed. We’re talking head-flung-back weeping here. I’m still not sure why.
50. I would really, really like to go back to school. At least to get a Master’s, but a PhD would be even better. I think I would be very happy as a university English professor.
51. I’ve also thought about going to law school.
52. I have a problem with returning library books on time. I’m serious, I’m always paying fines. SO stupid!
53. I am very self-critical. . . I nearly always have a sort of internal monologue going on in which I berate myself for failures. I know this is not a good way to be but I’ve not found a way around it.
54. I competed in my last gymnastics meet on my sixteenth birthday. I fell on my back handspring layout on the beam and so got second place in the all around instead of first.
55. The floor exercise music I used during that meet was from the movie Top Gun. I still remember the entire routine.
56. I wish I had the means to travel more. I’ve been to Hawaii but that’s about it. One day I want to spend weeks and weeks on the British Isles.
57. I can speak enough Spanish to give someone directions or help them in a gas station or the post office, but only if they speak very, very slowly. I know this because I’ve done all three.
58. My favorite breakfast food is pancakes. I adore pancakes! When I cook them I make an enormous batch and then reheat them in the toaster oven.
59. I have eczema on my right index finger.
60. Two weeks ago I had a corn removed from the bottom of my foot. I thought it was another plantar wart. Gross!
61. One of my 2007 resolutions is to spend much less on scrapbooking stuff. So far (all 26 days of 2007, lol) I’ve been successful.
62. I hate seafood.
63. One of my clearest memories from childhood: the night my mom made a salmon loaf, like meatloaf only with canned salmon. Her words still send chills down my back: "the bones are chewy, you just eat them." Now let’s stop to wonder why I don’t like seafood.
64. Seafood is Kendell’s favorite thing to eat. Luckily Red Lobster has a chicken dish I like!
65. I don’t do anything without my wedding ring and the emerald ring that Kendell gave me. I just never take them off!
66. I don’t wear any earrings except for my diamond studs. I used to have that earring-obsession thing (which Haley has definitely inherited!) but once I started having kids, I stopped wanting to wear anything dangly.
67. From age 18 to age 30, I had NO cavities. Then I turned thirty and have had one every time I go to the dentist.
68. I think most clearly when I can curl my toes under my feet. If I’m trying to write or do something creative, I can’t have any shoes on because then I can’t curl my toes.I can also stand on my toe knuckles.
69. The longest run I’ve ever gone on was 15 miles.
70. I started training once to run a marathon, but about half-way through the training (at the 15-mile mark!), I started having knee troubles.
71. I still want to run a marathon.
72. I used to have size six-and-a-half feet. Then I started having babies, and they’ve grown a half size during every pregnancy.
73. I am thinking about ripping out all the grass under one of my trees and making a shady flower garden underneath it instead.
74. At one point, the street where I live had 45 kids on it! Now it’s a mix of kids and teenagers. Kaleb is the youngest on our street.
75. Once I decided to switch to a digital camera, it took me three tries to find one I love (the 20d).
76. When I started scrapbooking in 1996, everyone I knew used Creative Memories albums. I filled up five CM albums before I decided that I hated them. The little staple binding things bug me! I still wish I had used something different for those albums.
77. Ever since I could read, I have loved to sit in the bathtub and read.
78. I seriously loved being pregnant.
79. One of the best things about pregnancy is that your belly is the perfect hands-free cradle for a bowl of ice cream when you’re reading in the tub!
80. I love to click around Amazon. If I let myself I’ll literally spend hours there, following different links and discovering books. Anything I want to read goes into my cart...but I hardly ever actually order anything!
81. One of my dreams is to own a secluded cabin in the woods somewhere.
82. My favorite books as an older kid were the Little House series, the Anne of Green Gables series, and anything by Steven King. (I read The Shining in the fifth grade.) Talk about disparate tastes!
83. My parents gave me the first three books in the Clan of The Cave Bear series when I was 13 or 14. I’m pretty sure they had no idea there is so much intimacy in them, lol. That first book, though, is still a favorite of mine.
84. I have about 50 tulip and daffodil bulbs that are waiting to be planted. They came too late in the season for me to plant. So as soon as we get a day that’s somewhat warm, I’ll be out in the cold dirt, planting them.
85. I love pajama pants. I would stay in my PJs all day if it weren’t embarrassing to answer the door in them.
86. My standard stay-at-home-mom uniform: a pair of jeans, a Shade under T, and a Perfect Tee from Old Navy.
87. Every spring and summer when Old Navy comes out with more Perfect Tee colors, I go and buy all the ones I don’t already have, plus a new black one.
88. I have three sisters and no brothers. I often wonder how I would be different if I’d had a brother.
89. High school was pure misery for me. I had one entire term where I’d get up and get ready, then drive around the back roads drinking coffee from 7-11 and crying until my mom left for work, then I’d go home and watch MTV all day. And cry some more. I got straight Fs that term, which for a girl who’d nearly always had straight As was both a catastrophe and a catalyst.
90. I’ve worn contacts since I was eight.
91. I always thought I'd have two girls, and I am still sad that Haley didn't get to have a sister.
92. Each of my kids' names have some sort of family connection.
93. When I met Kendell, he had come in to the office where I worked because his sister wanted to set him up with the girl who sat next to me. He saw me and wanted to get to know me, instead. Funny thing...I nearly called in sick that day, which might have changed the whole course of my life!
94. One of my biggest fears is dying before my children are grown.
95. One of my biggest hopes is that I live long enough to get to know at least a few great grandchildren.
96. I have a Thing About Notebooks. Not the plain spiral kind you used in school, but small, unusual ones. I have made a rule for myself that I can't even look at notebooks for awhile, because I am helpless in the face of the notebook's siren call.
97. I have a repeating dream about the bathroom at Lagoon, an amusement park in Utah. I have this dream at least once a month.
98. I love roller coasters.
99. One of my favorite snacks: a croissant (one of those big ones from Costco) with a thin layer of both nutella and raspberry jam. Yum. Let's not think about how fattening that is.
100. One of my earliest memories is of picking raspberries with my dad. I wasn't older than three, but it's a very clear memory.

That was challenging!

I think I finally, finally have a baby who will consistently sleep through the night! Kaleb started out as an OK sleeper. Then he was a great sleeper; from seven weeks to over four months, he sleep eight hours a night. But then we took that trip to Disneyland and it was all over.

I've tried everything. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child helped a bit, if only to stretch out his sleeping time from one hour to three or four. Every time he'd start sleeping longer, he'd get sick. Or start working on another tooth. But the biggest factor was this one: this kid is stubborn.

But after too many nights of not enough sleep, or the three of us asleep like a giant H in our bed (Kaleb the middle stroke), I had had enough. So once he was finally feeling better after that stomach flu, and his two stomach teeth had finally cut through (meaning he should be done teething for awhile), it was time. The biggest step was just not putting him in our bed at night when he cried. I helped him find his blankie, tucked him back in bed, and then let him cry.

There were a few nights I messed up and, on autopilot at 2:30 in the morning, I stuck him in our bed without thinking. There were a few nights of LOTS of crying (told you, he's stubborn). But,in the past two weeks, Kaleb has slept through the night a total of eight nights. EIGHT NIGHTS! And three of those have been the past three nights. But it gets even better.

Last night, when he had finished his bottle (and don't ask me how I ended up with a baby who still wants a bottle at age 19 months...that's a whole 'nother post), he snuggled with me in the rocking chair for a few minutes, then sat up, pointed to his bed, and said "Bed!"

Astounded, I said, "You want to get in your bed?" (because usually "bed" means MY bed!)

He shook his head. "Yes. Bed."

So I lay him down in his crib. He rolled over and was asleep five minutes later.

I'm trying to not pin too much expectation on this---I'm sure there'll be plenty more nights of him waking up. But this is a huge stride forward. Sleep, for him and me. I think I've forgotten how it feels to sleep all night!

Last week was busy because my mom had to have surgery. She had several ulcers in her intestines, which had been causing her severe pain. The surgery went well and she's now home recuperating. The issue, though, was who would take care of my dad while she was in the hospital. My three sisters and I tried to divide it up evenly. I had him at my house during the day. It's been a long while since I've spent this much time with him and I am amazed at how much he has deteriorated. He hardly talks at all anymore, and when you ask him a question he'll almost always answer "no" before he can figure out what he really wants to say. He did have a few very lucid moments when he asked me some astonishing questions. It's hard to grasp how he couldn't understand what I meant when I asked him if he was warm enough in the car, but yet he could ask me about things that happened more than 16 years ago. We even had a couple of conversations about his disease. It was an enlightening few days, during which I came to understand a little bit of what my mom feels as the main caregiver, I realized (again) how badly I failed at really listening to him before, and I had reinforced the importance of recording my stories and my children's.

But I also had a few "ah ha" moments that related directly to me and how I live my life. I hope I never have to really understand how it feels to have Alzheimer's, but one of the images I have in my head is that it is something like looking through a telescope backwards. Everything is too small, hard to see and understand, even though it's all right there before you. Experiencing the disease from the other side of the telescope, though, it is more like being underneath a magnifying glass. It catches everything in its power and makes it larger. This was a week of plenty of family drama, and suddenly all our foibles and weaknesses and issues seem enormous to me. Alcoholism, procrastination, marriage troubles, selfishness, fear, money problems, and just the everyday issues of trying to live a normal life: these all seemed magnified that week.

So this week, I am trying to do something with that magnification. The thing about seeing things larger than life is that you can examine them more closely. In particular, having seen procrastination and its effects in the lives of some of my family members (I am being vague and not naming names so as to not hurt anyone's feelings), I can recognize my own affinity for it. I have this glimmer of self-understanding, of how I use the small, daily things in life---things like housework and laundry, and even good things like being with my kids, or spending time with Kendell, or scrapbooking---as excuses for avoiding the real work I tell myself I want to do but just never get around to.

Really: my dad is miserable. There isn't much we can do to help him, aside from small kindnesses like meals and companionship and photographs (he really does love looking at pictures). He is stuck on the wrong side of a telescope, and I am helpless to free him. But I am filled with determination to at least learn from his experiences---to make of this life that he gave me something good and strong and lasting. Maybe that's the only thing I can do in the glass I am stuck under. No more just thinking---it is time to act.

I discovered this meme, which is really a scrapbooking challenge, on my friend Sophia's blog. Again...another simple entry as I am recuperating from last week!

A Aphrodisiac. What turns you on?  Hmmm...on a less personal level, kindness.

B BFF. Who’s your best friend? My friend Chris

C Celeb. Favorite? Most annoying? I'm not really into the whole celeb thing. I do admire celebrities who truly help those less fortunate, and those who are intelligent. My least-favorite celeb, though, is hands-down Jennifer Lopez. She annoys me to no end!

D Drink. What’s your poison? Lately, seriously, it's been water. I've been addicted to Pepsi off and on since I was fifteen. Right now I am trying SO hard to kick the soda habit for good. In December I was drinking one 44 ounce Pepsi every day (44 ounces with lots of ice, but still...and I wonder why I am so chubby?). Now I've gone 11 days without any soda save a random Sprite here and there.

E Everyday essentials. What do you use everyday? My computer, a notebook and a pen for writing, something to read. Also perfume; I wear specific perfumes during different times of the year. Hugs from my children and tucking them into bed (I hope they will always want me to tuck them in, every single night until they grow up and move away).

F Fav. color. What’s your signature color? Black is my signature color---the color I wear more than any other and reach for over and over, but green and purple are my favorite colors.

G Groove. What music are you enjoying today? My "No Ghosts" play list. "No ghosts" my short hand for "songs that I like and don't haunt me with any painful memories." Right now it's "Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction, which reminds me of the day Becky and I hiked Timp.

H Hot! Who’s hot? Who’s not? My hubbie is hot. Seriously---he gets so hot when we're sleeping. And as I get so cold when we're sleeping, I am always appreciative of his hot calves to hold my cold toes against. Viggo as Aragorn is also hot, especially in the third movie at the very end, when he finally sees Arwen and realizes she's alive. And this will of course only make sense to other LotR geeks!

I Indulgence. Dish about your guilty pleasure. OK---hope this doesn't sound weird. But my guilty pleasure is cream. I don't let myself buy it very often because when I have it in the fridge, I cannot resist pouring a thick sludge of it across my cereal in the morning. Of course, it looks a little weird against the skim-milk background, but the sparse-versus-decadent thing works for me. Heaven, in my opinion, is hot cream of wheat with cold cream and fresh raspberries.

J {dream} Job. What would you do? Writing. Writing successful novels, writing poems people read. Making a living with words: that's been my dream job since I was fifteen.

K Kitchen Companion. Most used item in your kitchen? My toaster oven. Seriously---I don't know how anyone exists without a toaster oven!

L Life is incomplete without. . . ? Time with my children, laughing with my husband, solitude, time for books, being outside. And flannel sheets.

M Mc. . . What would you "Mc"? McPensive.

N Natural or dyed? I wish I had the moola to color my hair all the time, but alas, I don't...so it's usually natural.

O Outrageous Outfit. What’s hiding your closet that you’re dying to wear? A pair of leggings I bought at Old Navy. Can I tell you how much I loved leggings in the 80s? Only after I bought them did I realize that my body now is nothing like it was in the 80s! Maybe once I've lost 30 pounds.

P Pet Peeve. What makes you absolutely crazy? Slow drivers. I try to not let this bug me, but it does. Also spelling/grammar errors in published, public places. I saw a detour sign---an official, orange detour sign---spelled "detuor." How annoying is that?

Q Quote. Share some inspiration. "The richness of the human experience would lose something of rewarding joy if there were no limitations to overcome." --- Helen Keller

R Restaurant you give rave reviews. The Brick Oven, where we had lunch this afternoon with the kids, after seeing a movie. This is a little restaurant right off the BYU campus that serves the most divine pizza and pasta. If you're ever in Provo, eat there!

S Starbucks order. Would you believe that the only time I've been in a Starbucks was in New York City, and that for a quick bathroom stop. I can't start with coffee, as it would exceed my Pepsi addictions. I'm more of a hot chocolate girl anyway.

T Television. What keeps you glued to the couch? CSI New York (I've loved Gary Sinise since he played Lenny in Of Mice and Men; no matter what role he's in, he has kind eyes), Grey's Anatomy. I've also never missed an episode of ER, but it's starting to lose its appeal for me and I hope this is its last season.

U Ultimate Vacation Destination: Ireland, Scotland, England. At least two months for hiking the Scottish Highlands, exploring castles, doing family research, and visiting geeky places like the Lake Country to see Wordsworth's daffodils.

V Virtual Babe Name. What’s your online ID? April Amy

W Wonder Woman. What woman leaves you in awe? So many! I look at many women and am amazed at everything they can accomplish.

X eX- gymnast, teacher, goth-girl. Or maybe I should go this way: exhausted. Did I mention it's been a long week?

Y Youth in a bottle. What keeps you feeling young at heart? I know the standard answer to this question is "my children," but honestly...mostly they make me realize how much of my life has already passed, when I think about all that they still have to do and all that I've already done. The thing that makes me feel young is being outside in nature.

Z Zodiac sign: Taurus

It's been a long week. I've had several experiences that've made me think I must blog about this, but the time just hasn't been there. I've got tons of emails to reply to, also. But I've barely sat down in front of my computer. I'm missing my blog. So I thought I'd just write down this quick story so at least I've done something this week, and hopefully last week's experiences will be in an entry coming soon to a blog near you.

So. Once my week finally slowed down today, I made a meal that requires more than bread, mayo, sandwich meat, and some thorougly non-healthy side dish: chicken curry. The actual cooking of the chicken curry requires nearly no time at all, but the cutting? Oh, the cutting. Three pounds of chicken breast (the worst part). Five carrots. Eight potatoes. One onion, three tart apples. Jake and Haley helped me with the cutting and chopping and dicing---Jake especially is a great potato/carrot peeler. Once I finally had everything diced and sauted and then into the big mess of curry, I realized I'd not seen Nathan for at least an hour. So I went to find him.

After looking at all his favorite haunts in our house, I found him hiding under my bedding. He was hot and sweaty and red-faced. "What are you doing, buddy?" I asked.

"I'm hiding."

"Hiding from what?"

"From dinner. I don't think I liked that curry!" His face crumpled and his voice went up in a wail at the word "curry."

I didn't even giggle at him hiding for ages from dinner. (Even though it is still making me smile.) I talked to him a bit about expanding his culinary horizons. And guess who ate almost the most ("almost" because no one can out-eat Jakey) out of all the kids at dinner?

Nathan.

I needed that bright little happiness to start my hopefully-more-peaceful-and-less-filled-with-family-drama week!

I've been thinking, lately, about January. How I always feel...deflated. It hit me that 12% of my life will be lived in one January or another, and that to survive the month with that sort of floppy, overused feeling is to also waste 12% of my life. So I've been making mental lists of why January is a good thing:

• SNOW. I really do love snow. Where I live in Utah doesn't get as much as other places, so it's always discouraging to me when the weatherman forecasts snow and then I realize: oh, he was talking about something else. But I really, really love snow. Love to watch it fall, love how it makes the landscape look, but more than anything I love the peace it leaves me with. A good snowfall relieves my global warming fears.
• RESOLUTIONS. Blue or no, there's something about January that's inspiring. Suddenly all the changes you've been wanting to make seem doable. Well, maybe not "all," but a few. Several. I decided that this year, I am breaking my resolutions down into month-sized chunks. Instead of "get skinny," which is one of this year's overarching goals (when is it not, I ask you?), I'm looking at each month as a mini resolution. So, January's goals, as far as weight loss goes, are to eschew soda and to just do some form of exercise. Surprisingly, the soda part has been easier than the exercise. I'm now seven (or is that eight?) days without Pepsi. Which is a LONG time for me to go!
• EARLY DARKNESS. I like it when the nights are long. It just feels "right," somehow, to have darkness by 5:30 or 6:00.
• MEALS. Come January, I always feel compelled to cook warm and filling things, dishes I love but don't always want to go to the effort to make. But not in January. In January I want everyone fed well. This week's menu includes chicken curry and chicken Parmesan. Yum on both!
• UMMMMM. That is as long as my list goes.

This year, I've finally been able to put my January Blueness into words. When I put away my Christmas decorations, I am always full of sadness. Not necessarily because Christmas in general is over---I love Christmas, but it's not my favorite holiday. Instead, it's sadness because this specific Christmas is over. Which means, this entire year is over. I think about what my life was like a year ago, what my kids were like. I think about the year and what I have accomplished (and, of course---because it's ME!---what I have failed to accomplish). And then I think forward, to what I might be like when I see these ornaments and nativities and decorations again. What will I be proud of once the next 11 months have passed? What will I be ashamed of? How will my life have changed?

Really, the looking forward is the saddest part to me. Because it makes me clearly see how quickly time goes, how short life really is. In just a few days, it seems, it will be December again, and one more portion of my life will be gone. It often feels that before you get a chance to experience one day, the next one is here, and I know how quickly next December will be upon us. The putting-away-the-Christmas-decorations experience forces me to mark time, to stop for a few seconds and see how precious life really is. My resulting January blueness, which fades as February approaches, is the consequence of that marking of time. It's the knowledge that I can't cling to it, or slow it down, or stop it.