I sat outside on my back porch tonight, watching the sunlight drain away from the day: the very last bit of summer. I know that, technically, summer ends on September 20. Figuratively, it ends the day that school starts. But in my mind, it ends on August 31. It's been a gorgeous August here---hot days, nights that are finally cool again, a few summer thunder storms. But August's end is summer's end, and tomorrow, it's fall---my favorite season. So in the last 48 minutes of summer, I'm going to celebrate what made this summer great:

• Trips to Seven Peaks, the water park close to us
• Pulling Kaleb in the bike trailer up and down our street
• Nathan losing his two front teeth on the same night
• Kendell's sister moving back home to Utah
• The preponderance of garden snakes
• Lazy afternoons at my sister Suzette's pool
• Getting fast food for lunch once a week
• Summer soda sale = kids have access to Sprite, Fanta, Fresca...until Mom says no
• Kids playing with their friends all summer long
• Haley hiding out in the cool basement, designing clothes
• Jake's little obsession for Yu-Gi-Oh cards
• Nathan nearly always being the last one awake in the morning
• Kaleb's pure devotion to being outside
• Summer lunches at the elementary school
• Soccer camp
• Walks on the trail
• Trip to the zoo
• Stray kitty accidentally spending the night in our garage
• Planting petunias with Haley
• Breaking out our old patio, digging down to the footings of our house, repairing a foundation leak, and pouring a new---and bigger---patio
• Our lawn guy's cure for our blah grass: a mix of Pepsi, dishwashing soap, and beer!
• Trip to Niagara
• Lots of trips to the movies: Cars, Over the Hedge, Ice Age II...what else did we see?
• Watching So You Think You Can Dance, cheering on Benji as a family
• Haley's first babysitting gigs
• Teaching the Bigs how to cook (they can now make Top Ramen, crack eggs, and help me make cookie dough, plus Jake loves chopping things up)
• Kaleb on his trike

What made your summer unique?

God may reduce you
On Judgement Day
to tears of shame,
reciting by heart
the poems you would
have written, had
your life been good.
~W. H. Auden

Yesterday afternoon, sitting on my front porch in the hottest part of the day, grateful for shade, I read this snippet from the poem "Thanksgiving for a Habitat" in my new, delicious copy of Poetry magazine. And I can't stop thinking about it. I keep wondering---what does he mean by "good"? Will I (have I?) live a good enough life that God will be waiting for me with poems? I don't think that Auden meant only poems in a literal sense. In a way, many things in life could be a poem: your relationship with your spouse, children, friends; experiences you have; good things you do.

But more than anything, this excerpt has made me question what I do with myself, artistically. I spend a lot of my free time working on scrapbooks, which is a fun creative outlet. I love scrapping. But deep down, what I want to be doing more of is writing. Writing for real---poems, essays, stories. "The time will come," I tell myself. The time in my life when I'll have the time to dedicate to writing. But sometimes I think I use that "time" thing as an excuse. Honestly, I think I turn to scrapbooking as a creative outlet because it is fun---writing isn't always fun. And because it doesn't require a lot of internal digging, like writing does. I believe that you have to be completely honest with yourself and be willing to look at your own ugliness, weaknesses, and dark spots in order to write something real.

Almost 24 hours after I read this, I continue to be haunted by it. It's strange that it came into my life right at this time when I am finally trying to answer the question "what do I want to be when I grow up?" I'm trying to find an answer that will make me happy but will also work within my family. I am also trying to let go of my "why me?" issues. And along comes this little bit of a poem, yanking me back to what my truest ambitions are: to live a good life (and by "good" I mean honest, kind, and right but also productive and useful and real), to not waste but develop whatever talents I might have, to fully be in every moment. This writing by Auden feels like a little piece of the puzzle I am trying to put together. Or like a hint: this matters, too.

Something that made me happy:

I took this picture in a bathroom stall in Niagara Falls. OK, it's more than a little weird to take a picture of bathroom graffiti. But I couldn't resist. In fact, I burst out laughing when I saw it! (Yeah, yeah, it's also weird to be laughing in a bathroom. A girl's gotta find mirth where she can, right?)

"Hailey and Kayla are cooler then you" it says, and someone else drew an arrow to the incorrect "then" and wrote "and dumber, too."

It's probably snarky of me. But it made me happy to stumble across this delicious irony---the claiming of coolness done with grammar errors, the geeky correcting which to me is thoroughly cool. And funny. Plus, it's good to know that there's someone out there, black Sharpie in purse, correcting graffiti grammar errors.

Wish I'd thought of that!

As I write this, my house is quiet: Kaleb is sleeping and the Bigs and Kendell are off visiting his sister. Ahhhh...you know, I'd have to list "solitude" as one of my favorite things in life. Not that I don't adore spending time with my family. I do. We had a great time this morning with all four kids playing outside---they turned the swingset into a medieval castle, got out Nathan's past two years of Halloween costumes (he was a knight both times) for appropriate costumes, and played while I sat in the lawn chair, reading and icing my ankle, which I twisted a bit on my run yesterday. I think that it is the very existence of those good times together that makes solitude even better---they keep the solitude from turning into loneliness.

Anyway. Sophia posted this challenge on her blog a few days ago, and I'm just now getting around to answering it. Gotta know I would love this one!

1. The Book That Changed My Life When I was a junior in high school, I was miserable. I was suffering from depression, struggling with friendships, trying to figure out a romantic relationship, dealing with my dad's unemployment and my parents' marriage issues. But, I had a great English teacher (at least, I think she was great---I didn't go to class much that year!). She was the person who clued me in on the idea that great writers (the kind you read in your English class) could be both alive AND women. She had us read a short story by someone named Margaret Atwood and told us that the story came from her newest book, Cat's Eye. I immediately bought the book---the first book I ever bought with my own money, thus starting a purchasing problem I still have to this day!---and read it over a weekend. It changed my life because it taught me that I wasn't alone in being ostracized and in struggling with the surprise of friends turned to enemies. It changed how I saw my relationships with friends. And it sparked my love of good writing. Defined it, really. I could use this book as an answer to almost all the questions on this list!
2. A Book I've Read More Than Once Possession by A.S. Byatt. One of the books in my top-ten list. Think Davinci Code, only with literature instead of religion AND SO much better written.
3. A Book I'd Want With Me on a Desert Island Devlin's Boat Building (LOL).
4. A Book That Made Me Laugh Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Saffron Foer
5. A Book That Made Me Cry Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. I read this first in the fifth grade---another year that was hard for me, socially. (Geez, I'm painting a lovely picture of myself, aren't I? Shyness is THE bane, I tell you.) I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, though, or even put it into words because that would mean it was real. So, I read this book instead---five or six times that year---just so I could cry over Beth dying.
6. A Book I Wish Had Been Written Any of the books that are currently floating around in my head.
7. A Book I Wish Had Never Been Written A Child Called "It" by Dave Pelzer. Actually, I don't really wish ANY book hadn't been written---good for the author for writing it, everyone has something to say, we all have our own creative vision, etc. So this was a hard question for me to answer. This book jumped into my head, though. It's a good book. But during the years I was teaching high school, about 80% of the girls in my class read this book. I got so tired of hearing about it. Is that rude?
8. A Book I Am Currently Reading Queen Bees & Wannabees by Rosalind Wiseman and Between Two Fires by Laura Esquivel
9. A Book I Am Meaning To Read Empire Falls by Richard Russo. Kelly recommended it!
10. My favorite book of all time. I cannot answer this question. There are too many!

On Tuesday, my Big Picture Summer Fun handout went up. "Fun" for me to put this together and I'm hoping you'll check it out!

In other news: I've been scrapbooking! Even though I was sad to see the kids go back to school, getting some layouts done HAS been fun. I don't do this very often, but I thought I'd share some layouts today, just because. (BTW, there's a high proportion of Scenic Route products on these layouts because I had thought about entering their design team call. I never actually got around to it, lol, but these were the layouts I would have submitted had I applied.)

Kaleb at four days, ten days, and one month. Ooooh, I love newborn babies. These pictures make me baby hungry!

Some older pictures of Jake. Not sure why, but I got an itch to scrap THESE particular photos. Pre-digital pics, and I wish I could Photoshop them!

I love this quote by Emily D. ("True poems flee"---gives me chills.) Even more, I love these photos of Haley. I tell you, this girl loves to have her picture taken and will pose at any opportunity!

More old pics---these are of Haley and Nathan when he was just born. I had an itch, though, to use that Basic Grey paper (the floral). Wish I could still find the pink & blue B.G. The photo in the bottom left-hand corner is one of my all-time FAVORITES!

Anyway. Thanks for playing along!

Today, my three Bigs went back to school. Could they be any cuter:

They've been ready for school to start for weeks ("ready" meaning needing a schedule and more brain stimulation than reading, playing, and hanging out with friends). But for the first time in---well, ever---I wasn't ready for them to go back. I have so enjoyed them this summer. Maybe because my three Bigs are all old enough that none of the frustrating stuff of smaller kids applies anymore. Maybe because, deep down, I'm afraid to be at home with Kaleb all day by myself. Or maybe it's because Nathan, my littlest Big, is in first grade this year. I just wasn't ready to send them off to school yet.

Alas---the big back-to-school day came anyway. The walk to school didn't go quite as I had planned. I'd wanted to all walk together, the six of us. I wanted to hold Nathan's hand one more time before he got gobbled up by the machine of first grade (school all day, school lunch, homework, and everything else that's different from kindergarten). I wanted to joke with Jake and see his face erupt into giggles. I wanted to make sure Haley's new shoes weren't hurting her and to tell her one more time how cute she looks in her new haircut. But, just as I finished snapping a few pictures in the front yard, a bunch of neighbor kids showed up and everyone wanted to walk together. Hanging out with friends overrides Mom's sappiness every time.

So they walked with their friends. I trailed behind, pushing the stroller. Already less necessary in their lives. That image---me walking so far behind them: maybe that's why, once I made sure they got to school, took Kendell to work, and got Kaleb down for a nap, I crumpled on my bed and sobbed. Because today, for a second, time stopped. The detritus of life was momentarily stripped away, letting me see how these three kids who I love so much are growing up. Leaving me in ways that are, admittedly, small, but will keep getting bigger and bigger. And while I appreciate the perks of having my Bigs in school all day---more time alone with Kaleb, more time alone, while Kaleb is sleeping---I am also heartbroken at this concrete reminder that they won't always be little and they won't always need me.

Seriously. Nearly everything about him. Don't mind changing his diapers. Don't mind listening to him cry, like he did today from a sore throat. (I mean: I don't WANT him to cry. But it doesn't irritate me when he does.) Don't mind that he makes a mess and has a temper and sometimes whines.

I just love him. Everything about him. Like the crinkle he gets in his nose, sometimes, when he smiles.

Like the conversations he has. I'm not sure exactly what he's saying, most of the time. Oh, there are a few "real" words (if "real" means mom understands what these syllables mean): "bark" for dog, "mo" for milk, "kEEEE" for blankie---as opposed to "Kee" for kitty. But often he jabbers. It sounds like language. Just not one anyone else speaks.

His almost-still-a-baby-but-only-if-Mom-is-being-delusional chubby body. The sweet way he'll put his head on my shoulder the second I sit down in the rocking chair. His obsession for cars. The fact that he started crying yesterday evening because a helicopter flew too high for him to see anymore. The intensity of those dark, dark eyes. Intensity mixed with curiosity. The curls at the back of his neck---the curls at the back of his neck.

I think it's official.

I think I love this baby.

I borrowed this from Sophia's blog. A few fun questions:

1. If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be? Honestly, and maybe this is lame: I really love living in Utah. I like our weather and our scenery! So, if I could build a new house, I'd say somewhere in Salt Lake. With a view. Now, if we're talking second homes, the kind you visit for vacation two or three times a year...I'd go with somewhere tropical! Or, I've always wanted to live in Ireland.
2. What's your favorite article of clothing? I've this old, ratty wool sweater that Kendell gave me when I was pregnant with Jake. Which makes it almost 9 years old. I wear it ALL the time in the winter.
3. Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex? Eyes and hands.
4. What's the last CD that you bought? Crowded House. Yeah, yeah. I know it's like twenty years old. But I heard "Don't Dream It's Over" on the radio one day and couldn't stop wanting to hear it again. So I bought it!
5. Where's your favorite place to be? For everyday, day-to-day stuff, outside with my kids. Let's-go-somewhere urges? Southern Utah.
6. Where's your least favorite place to be? The dentist office. (Poor dentists...everyone dislikes them!)
7. What's your favorite place to be massaged? I really don't like being massaged. It either hurts or tickles!
8. Strong in mind or strong in body? right now I'm feeling strong in neither. Or, to be more precise: strong in procrastination and general lameness.
9. What time do you wake in the morning? Whatever time Kaleb wakes up! Usually between 6:30-7:00. Occassionally he'll sleep 'till 8:30, like this morning.
10. What's your favorite kitchen appliance? Definitely the toaster oven. Especially our new one, which is also a little convection oven. Love, love the toaster oven and I use it all the time. A close runner-up, though, would be the grater attachment to my mixer. I nearly always have a big bowl of grated cheese in my fridge!
11. What makes you really angry? Backstabbing. People who are "kind" to your face and then rude behind your back? Oh, that sends me over the edge. On a bigger scale, the destruction of the environment. Doesn't feel like the little things I do make much difference.
12. If you could play any instrument, what would it be? Not many people know this about me (I forget it quite often, too): in junior high I had a brief affair with the violin. It ended when I realized that everyone in the orchestra already knew how to read music and I was clueless. But I continue to be drawn to that instrument.
13. Favorite color? I never know how to answer this question, because I like different colors depending on the object. Purple, maybe. Or green.
14. Which do you prefer, sports car or SUV? Honestly...I am so not a car girl. As long as what I drive is reliable, has air conditioning, a good heater, and a nice CD player, and isn't a gas hog, I'm happy. So definitely not an SUV.
15. Do you believe in afterlife? Yes
16. Favorite children's book? I can't pick a favorite. However, the one I've never, after four kids, gotten tired of reading is Goodnight Moon
17. What is your favorite season? Definitely fall. We're almost there now; I can feel it coming in the way the breeze feels, and in the morning coolness, and I can't wait!
18. What's your least favorite household chore? Hanging up the laundry that doesn't get dried all the way. In fact, I need to do that as soon as I finish this blog entry! Clothes that need to be hung up are the most common cause of left-in-the-washer-till-they-have-that-special-smell "oops" in my house.
19. If you could have one super power, what would it be? The ability to look into the future.
20. If you have a tattoo, what is it? I have some scars that could tell a story or two, but no tattoos.
21. Can you juggle? No, but I wish I could. I've tried to learn!
22. The one person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to? my dad. Even though he's still here...it's only in body. I wish I could tell him one more time that I love him and that he was a good father to me and be sure he knew what I meant. Or even who I was. Just once.
23. What's your favorite day? Thursday. It's close to the weekend so you've got freedom almost right there, but it's not close to Monday.
24. What's in the trunk of your car? Kaleb's stroller, the swim bag full of still-a-little-damp beach towels I need to wash (from going to the water park on Friday), a box of wipes, two extra diapers, and a package of granola bars.
25. Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger? Ummm....ewwwwww. I don't eat fish when it's cooked, let alone raw. So, definitely a hamburger. With cheese, mayo, just a dash of ketchup, and some lettuce.

I made this for dinner tonight, and I thought to myself, "Self, you should share this recipe on your blog." I do this with a little hesitancy, though. Anyone who just EATS this rice always falls in love with it and asks for the recipe. Anyone who hasn't tasted it and I just give the recipe to? They never try it. But oh my gosh: this is GOOD. And it's easy. Seriously, this is a staple at my house!

Here's the challenge: The first two people who actually try the recipe and then post a comment on my blog, telling me what you thought of it, will get a little happy scrapbooking package from me. Up for the challenge? Let me know!

Brown Rice
1 can Campbell's beef broth (it's got to be the Campbell's, no other brand!)
1/4 diced onion
3/4 cup rice (any variety that's not pre-cooked)
2 T butter

Saute rice and onion in the butter. When onion is transparent, add the rice and saute until all grains are coated. Pour the soup over all. Cover and cook on low for 20-25 minutes, or until rice is soft.

When I make this just for my family, I triple the recipe. When I take it to barbecues, I 6x it. It's flexible!!!

Kaleb is, officially, a fish lover. One of my favorite things he does right now: he hears the word "fish" and very casually smacks his lips together. He's been doing this for ages, but the fishylove is only getting stronger. Last week, we were at the water park and someone whose stuff was near ours had a bag with fish on it. Kaleb would NOT stay away from this bag; he'd toddle over (I love how even short grass covers his calves, he's so little!), point to the fish, and make his fishy lips. He'll sit still for a good ten minutes, watching the fish light in his bedroom. And he hugs his beany fish nearly as often as his favorite blanket.

Yesterday it hit me: he needs his own copy of The Rainbow Fish. (Nathan LOVED Rainbow Fish for a long, long time. His copy is MUCH loved!) In board book form, though, as he's not yet past the lick-and-tear-and-chew-and-crumple stage of reading. So I've been hitting all the bookstores around me. There used to be this awesome little bookstore in Springville, about fifteen miles from me, but, alas, it went the way of all good things and closed its doors. Which leaves Borders and Barnes & Noble. While I always feel guilty for shopping there---after all, THEY are the reason that the fabulous little bookstores are a vanishing breed, right?---my delight always conquers my guilt.

I love the bookstore.

If I won the lottery (and the chances of that in Utah? NIL) one of the first things I'd do would be a trip to the bookstore with no restrictions. I just don't think a person can have too many books. (Of course, another thing I'd have to do after winning that moola is get a new house with more book shelves.) In the past twenty-four hours, I've spend roughly 182 minutes hanging out in a marvel of contemporary society. Call me a geek, but the bookstore makes me happy. And even though I've not yet found Rainbow Fish, board-book style (I think I'll have to break down and order them from Amazon), they were still 182 minutes well spent. I feel peaceful. More creative. And happier at the thought of all that intelligence gathered into one place.