Next to October, April is my favorite month. Not just because it’s my birthday month, and my daughter’s, and my best friend’s (also one of my grandmother’s and two of my great nieces’), but because it is beautiful. I love spring flowers so much. Especially hyacinths! We’ve had a cold, slow,
rainy spring here in Utah this year, so everything has bloomed later than usual (which is fine by me because there’s less chance of flowers being withered by late snows), the grass and trees are bright green, and even the foothills are verdant (I love my mountains but they’re in a desert; temperate, yes, but often and usually brown and dry). The valley is full of color in April, flowering plum and almond trees in shades of pink, yellow forsythia, sometimes even a few early lilacs. Daffodils in every shade dot yards and even the dandelions seem beautiful, it’s just so lovely to see color again after the grey, dun shades of winter.

I’m always sad when April comes to an end.

So here’s a list to help me remember this beautiful April before May starts in with its certain lilacs and vibrant iris.

• My sisters and I finished emptying my mom’s house. We spackled and painted and got it up for sale. While I am glad this is finished, I am also really sad this is finished. There are no more treasures left to find and I don’t get to see them every week.
• Kaleb spent a Saturday afternoon straightening up my mom’s yard. It looked so much better when he was finished.
• After a rough start, Kaleb started enjoying his soccer games again. The start was rough because he has really fallen in love with basketball, and the rhythms of a soccer game are definitely different. Once he remembered he loves it, though, he loved playing again.
• Haley went to Mexico to celebrate her birthday. I loved seeing her pictures come up on Instagram and now I really want to take a trip to Cozumel, too!
• Whenever my schedule and the weather let me, I went outside to work in my yard. Last year I let it get ahead of me, but not this year. (I think I will always be grateful now for springs without whooping cough!) I’ve weeded and planted a few new things. All of the rain has made it more difficult, though, so I still have some seeds to plant.
• Nathan settled in to his training at Fort Huachuca in Arizona. He struggled with shin splints and with knowing how to negotiate getting medical care. This military experience is new to us. He didn’t want to seem like a wimp. But eventually he had to take some time off of running (which really is the only way to conquer shin splints) to let them heal. I hope his fellow soldiers didn’t give him too much grief. To help, I sent him a bunch of different things: another tube of Deep Blue, some compression socks, two new pairs of running shoes, new combat boots. He has just started running again and I am hoping the time off will have helped.
• 
  Kendell and I hiked four trails: Desolation, Johnson’s Bowl (new to both of us!), Battlecreek Overlook, and Grove Creek. I loved the winter hiking but it is pretty nice to not need so many layers anymore, and to see colors in the mountains again. Our last two hikes even had a few wildflowers! 75 miles of hiking, 7000+ feet of combined elevation gain.
• I ran just over 40 miles in April. As my March total of hiking and running was just under 40, I’m happy with that. I ran longer than I have since my marathon in July; when I told Kendell that he pointed out that running 5.5 miles isn’t as impressive as running a marathon and then I had to remind him that I’ve been fighting an injury, duh! I am grateful every time I go out for a run that I’m still running.
• We tried a couple of new restaurants. Bam Bam’s BBQ is a place my sister recommended for their nachos. We didn’t love them and will continue looking for a good place for take-out nachos. (Our favorite place, El Azteca, closed over a year ago and we’re still sad about it!) We also tried Bajio’s, again for nachos, which were better but still not fantastic. We went to Rubios on National Burrito Day. My burrito was delicious but they were out of almost everything (even though we got there at barely 5 pm) so I was disappointed not to have the steak burrito I first wanted. (While we were there they also ran out of chips, guacamole, and sour cream; seems like someone forgot to check inventory!)
• Some meals I made: chicken alfredo, chicken with cream sauce (I made this with ricotta and romano, so the flavor was different from alfredo), cream of broccoli soup, chili with savory corn cakes. Also, of course, tacos, which are Kendell’s favorite. And red bean burritos, which I usually only make when Haley’s home. I am trying to cook more, not always successfully, as sometimes it’s just me and Kendell eating dinner and it seems like a waste of time to cook just for us. One thing that’s helped me a bit is trying to prep a few things on Sunday. A recent favorite is to dice a whole package of chicken breasts (the big package from Costco) into bite-sized pieces, toss it in olive oil, Italian seasoning, garlic, red pepper flakes, and basil, and then bake it. I like this so much better than cutting the chicken after it’s cooked, because then all the edges are a little bit crispy. I make a meal with some of the pieces, save some for another meal, and then freeze the rest.
• Kendell and I finished up watching The Walking Dead and started watching Game of Thrones. My favorite thing about this season so far: the song in the second episode, and talking about each episode with Jake. He watches them with friends and we’re sometimes watching a day or two later, but he’s careful to not give any spoilers.
• I did pretty well with my goals: I ate more veggies (not every day, but way more), I only had two days when I didn’t reach my water goal, and I think I rocked it on my blog-every-day goal—I only missed three days.
• Things I bought: A new Hydroflask (the watermelon color!), new regular shoes for Kaleb, new basketball shoes for Kaleb, new soccer shoes for Kaleb. New bras, yay! A few Skirts. A red dress that I’m not sure I’m going to keep. Sprinkler parts for the sprinkling system. A new blade for my rotary cutter. A bunch of storage containers.
• I used my DSLR. I haven't done that since November! I took it to Kaleb's Alpine Days track meet. He won fourth in the high jump and I got some great pics. I think I'm going to add "use DSLR" to my goal list!
• I read two books: Ammonite by Nicola Griffith and The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning.
• I only read two books because I spent all of my free time doing stuff with fabric. I shopped, I bought, I cut, I pieced. I made it more complicated than it needed to be but I think I just needed the process of a more intricate quilt (two, actually). I think it was my way of dealing with my mom’s death. She didn’t teach me everything I know about quilting, but she taught me to love fabric and to give pretty gifts. I can’t say I gained any resolution or much peace…but some. A bit. (I will share more of these two quilts once I finish them and give them to the moms of the babies they are for.)
• Actually, that’s not true: I worked on three quilts. And I shopped for four. I started a new quilt for Jake, as the one I made him oh…four years ago, I think, or maybe five, was totally worn out. I’m doing it in shades of blue and grey, all flannel except for a little bit of minky. And I’m still picking up pieces for Kaleb’s quilt, which he needs because he’s now sleeping in a queen-sized bed. I’m excited to see both of these quilts come together!
• Kendell had a heart check-up in April, and everything is looking good. This will of course never not be scary for me, AND to make it more difficult I also talked to his surgeon about Kaleb’s heart issues. I managed to not start sobbing, but only just. Every single one of you reading this right now, stop and give thanks for your healthy heart to whatever deity or spirit you believe in. Hearts are scary and the fear is pervasive.

Now on to May!

Sometimes I’m itching to write something, to make something with words that is structured and shaped and maybe well-written, but other days my thoughts roll through my head like the credits at the end of a movie. This is one of those days, so here’s a random list of things I’ve thought about today:

• Even though this work-from-home thing that Kendell’s doing lately is really making. me. bonkers., sometimes it’s nice. Like today, when his schedule was a little bit sparse and so we went for a walk together on the canal trail this morning. The birds were singing, the sky was blue, the air was fresh, cool but not cold. Everywhere, the flowering trees were in blossom, and all lit up by the morning light. We talked, we pondered, we argued a bit, we walked in silence. We admired a woman who was at least twenty years older than us, power-walking past us. We discussed our individual outlooks: do people really just suck in general? Or not?
• I wanted to stop and take a photo of us, using my running-selfie techniques, but I didn’t because I knew it would likely annoy Kendell. And if I posted it on Instagram he’d be bugged. But I still wish I would’ve done it anyway. Always take the photo you’re prompted to take. (Is there a God of photos that carries out those promptings?) You’d think I would know that by now.
• Today is my friend’s birthday. My friend who’s been my friend for longest, since I was 16. I don’t get to see her enough but out of any of the people in my life, she understands me in a way no one else does. I’ll always be grateful for accidentally leaving my wallet in the car of a girl I didn’t know but who drove our group that summer night so many years ago—more than 30!—and that she returned it to me and then we worked in the same telemarketing group. My life would be far less without her, and even if we don’t see each other very often, we both know we are there for each other.
• You know I love my job, but…I was so annoyed I had to work today. We have had a lovely, chilly, very wet spring in Utah. The foothills are literally green, which doesn’t happen very often. And then today, today, today was a perfect spring day for gardening. I wanted to stay home and weed in my bright green grass under my pink flowering plum tree. Instead I was responsible and sat inside the library all day. No one knows the sacrifices we librarians have to make in order to help you print your divorce papers! It wasn’t just me, as many of my co-workers said something about wanting to be outside with the flowers. See…we’re not all dusty bookworms. We love life! And spring! And dirt and flowers!
• One rainy day this week I sat on my porch and tried to write a poem. It doesn’t look like I am even trying, really, but I am trying to invest energy and concentration and work into actually writing things, instead of just wishing I were a writer. So I was sitting on my porch staying dry from the light drizzle, and my purple hyacinths were just perfect, and my back was resting against the brick of our house. And I had an idea I was chasing with my pen. Then Kendell needed something and then Kaleb needed something and then I heard my phone buzz with a text. I kept going back to my poem until I got frustrated. But then I also felt a little bit…less ashamed of my efforts, maybe. Because maybe it’s not only that I have been lazy for the past twenty years or so. Maybe it is that, for me, it was impossible to write and to be a mother. But, I also realized: boundaries. I need boundaries. I need the people who need me to respect my efforts and give me the space I need. I need to stand up for this boundary, establish it firmly.
• Because, and I keep thinking this: people die. People die. It seems impossible to imagine, but one day I will die. One day someone will write my obituary and plan my funeral and what will I have done with my life? I was a mother and a teacher and a wife and a librarian. I ran and I hiked and I traveled; I sewed and I took photographs and I made scrapbook pages. I cooked meals for my family and was a pretty good baker (except for cupcakes, I’m dismal at cupcakes, but then, that might be because I don’t really love cupcakes). I had some friends. I tried to be a good person. If I died tomorrow (and, please: I don’t want to die tomorrow), one of the things I would regret is not becoming a successful writer.
• I realized this morning while Kendell and I were walking that it’s Easter this weekend. And I haven’t bought anything. And I don’t always know what to do. Jake’s 21, but he’s living with us right now. Do I get him some stuff for an Easter basket? Kaleb definitely needs some stuff. Parenting is never easy my friends.
• I had a salad for dinner, a Caesar chicken salad from Costco. I am a microdipper when it comes to salad dressing (and to salsa and fry sauce and almost every condiment you dip something into), so this was a fairly healthy meal for me. Like, does ANYONE actually eat all the dressing that comes with a salad? I think I eat like 1/16^th of it. I always remember when I eat salad or other veggies that they really do help me to feel happier in my body. But I don’t eat them often enough because I am lazy. The prep makes me nuts. I actually don’t love salad like my gender is supposed to, but I would probably eat more of them if the prepped ingredients magically showed up in my fridge. And I actually really do love almost all veggies, but it seems like I run out of energy for making them quite often when I cook dinner.
• Log cabin quilt squares. I’ve made 41 of them over the past few weeks, one group of 25, one group of 16. I will write a blog post about them after I have given the quilts to the moms I am making them for, but I want to say this: strip piecing makes log cabins WAY FASTER. Like, 200 times faster.
• My sisters Becky and Suzette and I have spent so much time over the past months working on my mom’s house. Now it is clean and empty and we are trying to sell it. It’s strange to have my Thursdays back. I’m glad the project is done, but at the same time, I’m really sad it’s over. There’s nothing left to find, and I did not find my grandma’s ugly opal ring I was holding out hope for finding (it was stolen and hocked for drug money, literally, which, gah. Makes me so angry. I know it’s just a ring and rings aren’t people and having that ugly opal ring wouldn’t bring my grandma back to me. But that ring was her in jewelry form, and I just kept on hoping it would magically turn up. It did not.) Plus I was really enjoying that I got to see them every week.
• I just realized as I wrote this: tomorrow is my birthday. So today is my last day of being 46. I spent it like this: took Kaleb to school, walked with Kendell, ate breakfast, went back to Kaleb’s school to check him out because he was too sore to go to his conditioning class, showered, started working on the 42^nd log cabin square, which will eventually be its own quilt, ran some errands because HELLO! It’s Easter on Sunday! which means I need something to put in Kaleb’s basket, and also Jake’s, and then I felt bad because if I had it together I could’ve sent Nathan an Easter something, and Haley too. I got the berries, lemons, and eggs I need for the Easter party we’re having tomorrow. I bought that salad at Costco and then I went to work.
• There is a librarian position that just opened up at my library. I want to apply for it. And I don’t want to apply for it. There are things I would love about it and things I would really not love. Mostly my hesitation is over whether or not I’m ready to work full time. Working full time means no more quilting, no more scrapbooking, far less running. Poetry writing likely non-existent. No more spontaneous early-morning walks with Kendell. But it would also mean I would be pushed into getting my Master’s. And we would have more income so maybe we could finally move. The last day to apply is Monday so I need to decide soon. (Of course…I’m also 100% certain there will be some excellent librarians applying, so all the should-I-shouldn’t-I would probably be pointless because likely they wouldn’t hire me anyway, seeing as how I don’t have an MLS or other Master’s degree.) There are so many things I love about my current job and about how my life is right now. But am I being selfish by continuing to work part time instead of full time?
• Haley is in Mexico for her birthday. (Isn’t it cool that my best friend’s birthday is the day before mine and my favorite daughter’s birthday is the day after mine?) I think it is awesome that she tries to travel as much as she can. My only complaint is that I am not also in Mexico to celebrate my
• I am almost finished with the novel I’ve been reading for three weeks now, Ammonite by Nicola Griffith. I’m not reading it quickly because, hello: 41 log cabin quilt squares. But also because it is a story that’s inviting me to savor it. And it’s totally not what I expected it to be. I am trying to not respond to the little protesting voice that’s reminding me of all the other books I want to read. Ah, see. That’s another thing I would do less of, ironically, if I became a full-time librarian. Less reading. Anyway, I keep thinking about it, and I need to finish it because I just really want to know how it ends. I mean, duh. I read the last page already so I sort-of know how it ends. But how does it end, how do the characters get to that end?

Aren’t you glad you don’t actually live inside my head with all of those thoughts?

Yesterday it snowed here in Utah. I’m guessing this will probably be our last snow in the valley (although, sometimes we get surprise snow storms as late as May, so who knows), and already it felt like a spring snow, not a winter one. I walked outside to feel the cold air. The still-naked trees bent a little with the weight, and with every breath or step I took, a little flurry would fall down. I felt like my trees were throwing snowballs at them. (I know I might sound nutty but I don’t care: I love my trees. They know I love them and they each have a different spirit.)

Spring is coming.

I’m itching for warmer days, when I can come home from a morning run, make a protein shake, and then work in my yard. Weeding and pruning and planting some new flowers, greeting the perennials as they take turns blooming. I’m looking forward to bright yellow daffodils and that bright, happy fragrance of hyacinth flowers.

But before spring happens, I want to look back and record this winter. It was an important one in my life history and I don’t want to forget the details. Because of all that’s happened in the past three months, I haven’t had much blogging time. But I’m going to make time over the next few days to write about the last three months of winter.

First off, Christmas. This Christmas was so different from any Christmas we’ve had before. Partly this is because I was having a dark spell with my depression. Partly it was because of how my family is changing. Haley stayed in Colorado because of work and travel expenses, and her greatest need was help paying for her med school applications. I made a Christmas quilt for her (because she wasn’t putting up a tree and I thought it would be nice to have something Christmasy in their apartment…but that backfired because I didn’t get it done fast enough), and sent some other things, but her gift was money. Nathan was leaving for basic training the week after Christmas, so he didn’t need anything. So mostly I shopped for Jake and Kaleb. It took almost no time at all to wrap gifts this year, and Christmas morning was so low-key, as no one woke up until 11:00.

In early December, on the night we put up the tree, I got in an argument with Kendell. (Glad this happened after the tree was up and we had a fun time with the five of us together decorating it.) He had been teasing me about how there were too many ornaments to fit on the tree. And I didn’t even mention the other box of ornaments I hadn’t even brought out. This lit a spark in me (because really…almost no argument in a marriage is ever only REALLY about the argument’s topic) because of what the ornaments represented. Not just the Santas and stockings and bears and angels and snowflakes themselves, but tradition, and time, and a last little bit of myself as a young mother. So once we got to a spot where there was really no point in talking anymore, I went for a drive in the mountains. I stood outside and looked at the stars and the cliffs against the midnight-dark sky and I cried and then I processed. Why was that little bit of teasing so intensely painful? What did it mean?

When Haley was a baby, I bought an ornament at a craft fair, a little ceramic tennis shoe with her name painted on it, and thus I started the tradition of giving my kids an ornament every Christmas. I did this because my Christmas tree was so bare. I had made some quilted balls when we were first married, and I had some bells and a few other little things, but my tree had almost nothing on it. I bought that little shoe thinking of our future Christmases together, and how each year we’d add more, and then my tree wouldn’t be naked. It would be full of memories. But I also started it so that when my kids grew up and had their own trees, they could start with memories from their childhood Christmases and then go from there. My intention was always to give them their ornaments when they were ready for them.

A few years ago, I realized something: as each kid became an adult and took their ornaments, my tree would be bare again. So, I started watching for ornaments for myself as well. Mostly angels. And as more years passed, and each year at least four (but usually five or six) more ornaments were added, the tree did start getting crowded.

So here we are, twenty-something years later, and my kids are adults but they’re not ready for their ornaments yet. (Which is 100% totally fine, no guilt-trip intended.) And the tradition I started so long ago stopped making sense. Kaleb really didn’t care. Nathan didn’t care. Jake didn’t care. It just wasn’t a big deal to them.

So in December 2018, I bought exactly zero new ornaments.

And the modifying of traditions didn’t stop there. I also gave up on Christmas Eve pajamas. And sibling gifts on Christmas Eve. I didn’t decorate the banister in my kitchen and I got out only about half of my decorations. And while there was sadness in this transitional Christmas, there was also a sense of…relief, maybe. Christmas and all it entails has been one of my favorite parts of being a mom. I did as much as I could to make it magical for my kids and I loved doing it. But it is also stressful. Because let’s face it: I am not a magical person. Santa has bajillions of elves and magic to help him. I just have me. And I think for the last couple of Christmases, I was continuing to make the magic because I felt I needed to, not necessarily because my kids needed it. They still need (and Kaleb, as the youngest, still deserves) a happy Christmas morning. But it is OK to be in this place, when things are changing. It is OK to adjust traditions and take some away and add some new ones. And I am grateful I was able to process enough to see my way through.

A weekend summary:

On Friday night, I came home from work, had an argument with Kendell about a medical bill (I have no patience or kindness or ability to put up with other people’s issues right now), left home in a huff and spent an hour wandering around Target. (The fact that I only spent $30 is a miracle I think.) Then Jake and I went to pick up food. We had the best conversation while we waited in line at the barbeque place. Nothing really earth-shattering or important, but somehow he helped me feel a little bit better. I’m so grateful he is back home and we are involved in his life again. I’m not complete without him.

This was Nathan’s first drill weekend after joining the National Guard. I got up early to make him protein pancakes both mornings. I can’t express what it felt like when he came home on Saturday night, wearing his uniform. I am proud of him. I am terrified that this experience will damage him in ways I can’t imagine (and ways that I can), that he will be out in the world doing dangerous stuff. But despite that fear, I am also excited for him. I think it will also change him in positive ways.

But I worried about him all weekend. He came home both days exhausted and sore.

I just want to throw this out into the universe: I hope he stays whole and himself. I hope he doesn’t lose his kindness and gentleness. I hope he does acts of service that help people. I hope he makes friends who support him for the rest of his life. I hope this experience makes him an even better person.

Saturday morning was awful for me. I know I sound whiny and miserable and lame, but damn. My depression right now is crippling. I am functioning in the sense of getting up and going to work. But otherwise I am just down here in the dark. Kendell said something that upset me (I don’t even remember now what it was) so we went back and forth for an hour, discussing some things, fighting about other things. He is trying. He doesn’t really know how to help me, but I am glad he is trying. I’m trying too, or at least, sort of. I went back on meds, I started talking to a therapist.

But I also know me. I’ve wrestled with depression since I was 16. It has been better and worse in the past three decades, but never really gone away. I have created coping mechanisms. (Sometimes I wonder…what would my life be like if I didn’t have to fill it with coping mechanisms? What if I could just live and be present and enjoy my experiences?) Right now, I don’t have access to any of those coping mechanisms. But what is affecting me most profoundly is not being able to run. I don’t think I will improve until I can run again.

(And if I can never run again? I don’t even know.)

But, there’s depression but there’s also life, and we needed groceries and we had to go to a funeral. So I took a shower and pretended I was OK and I did what I needed to.

I meant to do some yardwork on Saturday afternoon, but my knees were bothering me so instead, Kendell, Kaleb and I worked on cleaning out the storage room. I finally, after more than 13 years, was able to get rid of all of my books that I’d had in my classroom when I was a teacher. I’d kept boxes of them, with the fear that one day I would have to go back to teaching. But they were taking up so much space, and maybe it was my depression driving me (I’ve also been getting rid of a lot of my clothes, and scrapbook supplies, and running clothes), but I decided: enough. If I DO teach again, I will deal with it then. This felt like shedding some of the weight I have been carrying, which is crazy. I haven’t been in a classroom since Kaleb was born. And despite the fact that I loved many aspects of teaching, the idea of having to go back to teaching is a literal FEAR. It gives me nightmares, and not only because it was difficult, but because teaching was wrapped up in so many other things. My perspective on myself and my place in the world changed drastically during those years, and there were some soul-crushing experiences that happened. So letting go of all of my classroom books was perhaps a thing my psyche needed. Unnecessary weight.

On Sunday, I desperately wanted to go hiking.  But my knees have been bothering me, so I decided not to. Kendell and Jake went, though (I was both miserable about not going and happy they could have some time to themselves), and Kaleb slept in late (Nathan was at his drill). So I just stayed in bed. I had a hot beverage and read my book (I’m reading Fledgling by Octavia Butler) and I didn’t do the laundry or clean the kitchen.

It was my Sunday to teach. My lesson came from Isaiah 50-53, and I focus on learning how to be empathetic from Jesus. I have such complicated feelings about my church and my faith right now. I’m not sure that the Kavanaugh confirmation, and every single Mormon senator supporting him, isn’t the turning point for me. I don’t know how to be in a congregation that is full of men who care more for power and wealth than for doing the right thing. Of course, none of those senators were at my class. I don’t know if I managed to convey this, but what I hope I communicated was this: almost all of the religious stuff we care about is just stuff that doesn’t matter. What matters is loving each other, and mourning for each other, and trying to take care of each other. If Jesus existed, that is what he wants from us, I am convinced. Everything else is dross.

After church, one of the best parts of the weekend: we had dinner with our friends. They live in South Carolina but they were here for Saturday’s funeral. We had some great conversations, our kids reconnected, and we laughed. I laughed. I am not laughing much these days so just that buoyed me. But one conversation in particular, which has too much back story for me to even start to explain it, left me…wow, it left me feeling peaceful, and like I had a little of my light back. It made me feel like I was heard even when I didn’t know anyone was listening. I need that, too.

How was your weekend?

Today is the 18^th, which means it’s time for another edition of 18 on the 18^th. Hi Angie! Hi Elizabeth!

I’ve decided to not view my failure to manage to take 18 pictures as, indeed, a failure. Instead, I will just celebrate the photos I did take, while just using words to describe 18 things about today.

1. Kendell had an appointment with his orthopedic surgeon this morning. This morning at 7:30. At 7:30 in Salt Lake City. I so did not want to haul my butt out of bed at 6:15. Let’s be honest: I don’t want to haul my butt out of bed when I have to get up almost an hour later. I’ve never been a morning person but lately the act of getting out of bed feels physically painful. I can’t tell you exactly where it hurts, but somewhere.
2. The surgeon thinks Kendell’s knee (he had a partial knee replacement in February) is coming along just fine. He told him to stop being vain about his scar (he’s sort of a blunt guy, that orthopedist) and to keep it covered with sunscreen all summer, which to me seems like sort of a contradiction: don’t worry so much about your scar but make sure you protect your scar. At any rate, because he can’t take anti-inflammatories, as they mix badly with blood thinners, the surgeon suggested a round of prednisone instead.
3. This sent me into a little panic. I took prednisone for two weeks when I was 14 or 15 for a lung infection and HOLY COW. It made me a moody, emotional mess. Part of me thinks I have never been the same since those 14 days of steroids. I really, really hope they don’t affect Kendell’s emotional state like they affected mine. (Of course…adolescence might’ve made my reaction worse.) To calm myself down I made a plan for if it DOES make him a little bit crazy (or a lot crazy): One of us will just stay in a hotel until it’s over. Totally doable.
4. I had Kendell drop me off on a side street just off the freeway so I could run home. Being dropped off after an errand=one of my favorite ways to fit in a run, because I love having somewhere different to start.
5. I did my long run today. My plan is to do all of my long runs on Mondays but, alas, I haven’t actually done a long run on Monday. Last week I was writhing with anxiety-induced neck pain. This week there were 40+ MPH winds and I was afraid that a branch of a tree might blow off and hit me. So I went to the gym and did 3.5 miles on the treadmill. Which might be worse than being hit by a wind-blown tree branch.
6. Anyway, today’s long run was seven miles. The first three miles were basically all uphill, which sounds like torture but I actually really love running uphill. Even though it makes me slower. I haven’t run long since I did my half marathon in New York City in November, and I’m always unsure as I start building miles: Am I strong enough to keep going? And I’m finding that I am, at least so far. I was tired, but not unbearably so. Plus, running in the spring is glorious. Right now there are forsythia bushes, tulips, daffodils, and grape hyacinths, flowering crab apple trees, and entire peach orchards in bloom. So pretty. And there’s the smallest hint of a floral scent here and there. So lovely.
7. I was afraid I dressed too warmly for my run, as my phone told me it would only be 36 degrees when I started but it was actually 41. And I had a wool long sleeve on, and long tights. But that’s the cool thing with wool, it regulates your temperature. Even when I was finished at it was almost 50 degrees, I was just…comfortable.
8. Stretching after running=the best thing ever. Maybe better than running itself. Especially when I can stretch outside. This morning I stretched underneath my apple tree, which is almost ready to blossom. My neighbor came over to say hello and show me some pics from a recent trip. A protein shake after a long run is pretty damn good too.
9. While I drank my protein shake, I hurried to finish the quilt backing for my soccer quilt. I was going to quilt it by myself…but I think some of that neck pain might also be coming from my recent spate of making quilts. It’s been a furious spate. A ridiculous spate. Four quilts almost finished. Plus, I just really, really love the way a long-arm quilted quilt looks. So, see #12.
10. Then I hurried to shower so I could speed (literally) to the next place I needed to be: I finally got my hair done. AH! I wish my hair could always be the same color it is on hair-color day. I really, really am not accepting my grey roots gracefully.
11. It was lovely to talk to my hair person. I’ve known her for ages, and even funnier: my high school friend had the biggest crush on my hair person’s husband, back when she and I were 17 and he worked at the cologne counter at ZCMI. Then a couple of years later, he started working at WordPerfect, where I was working but not, alas, my friend who had the crush. He and I became good friends though. And then he got married (not to my high school friend) and I started having his wife do my hair. There was about a decade where I tried going to other people, because she lives about twenty minutes away. But no one has done my hair as well as she does.
12. With freshly-colored hair, I stopped at the house of the person who quilts my quilts for me, Melissa of Sew Shabby quilting. She forgave me for running late. I dropped off the soccer quilt and can’t wait to see it finished. (Please overlook that by the time I actually finish the soccer quilt, soccer might be over. Or at least it won’t be freezing during games anymore. Then I will just call this the purple quilt.)
13. Next, I went to the Close to my Heart warehouse sale and bought a few things. Stamps, cardstock, a few inkpads. I also bought THREE pink post-bound albums. Haley doesn’t love pink but I will probably use them anyway. Because, you know. They were only $4 (I think the albums are $30 now. You do the math.)
14. I rushed home, changed for work, realized I forgot to take Kaleb’s track uniform to him. Nathan was just getting home from school so I had him drive me to the junior high to drop it off. On the way home we talked about a meme I found recently, “signs you’re actually a cat,” and we talked about why Kendell is, actually, a cat. Even though he dislikes cats. I took this photo of me and Nathan just so I could remember laughing in his car in the driveway with him. (And also, I confess, to commemorate Freshly-Colored Hair Day, as it is such a short, fleeting day.)
15. I didn’t have time but I decided to make time: I wandered around in my yard for a few minutes. April, too, is fleeting, and I haven’t taken enough time to savor my beautiful
    spring flowers. (Well, and, truth be told: Mother Nature has been pretty grumpy this spring. Not that I blame her, as we’re all in a fairly abusive relationship with her, but there have been almost no warm days so far this spring.)
16. I was starving. So before work I stopped at that bastion of healthy eating, Taco Bell. I know. But I needed some actual food in my body. Nothing fried was purchased.
17. Off to work. Yes: I was late. Yes: I ate tacos in my office while I filled book group requests. Yes: I savored the silence. Later that night I filled the new book display, which was looking pretty empty. Carrying large, wobbly stacks of books in both arms up a flight of stairs=special librarian skill. 
    
    
18. Finally home late. I am tired. Today was a long day and I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted to. (Kaleb’s uniform? The only thing I actually dried in the load of laundry I started before we left for the doctor this morning. Everything else is sitting in a cold, wet pile I will have to rewash.) (I also didn’t make a card for a birthday that’s tomorrow. So maybe I will just make and mail it tomorrow.) (And I’m only going to get in about ten minutes of reading before I fall asleep.) Some days are just like that, long and full. But I do feel like I got a lot accomplished, too.

How was your April 18^th? I hope it was full of orange tulips and bright green grass!

I had a goal this month to join Angie and Elizabeth on Project 18. I think it's a great project for capturing everyday moments and the little details that slip our memory so quickly.

Remember last month? When I took 9 out of 18 photos? My goal was to actually take 18 photos. But, alas, today I took exactly one photo, for a scrappy project I'm going to blog about tomorrow. Partly this is because I spaced what day it was, and because I had a headache, and because holy cow I am still fairly exhausted because Kendell's knee keeps us both up at night.

But here's the thing: I don't have to have photographs to capture today's little moments. There's a medium far older than photos, and that's words! So, here's a list of 18 photos I wish I would've taken today.

1. Kendell and me, asleep in our bed until 8:30. This is a minor miracle because his knee starts hurting, and then he eventually wakes me up, and by the time about 7:00 comes around I'm too frustrated to try to sleep. This morning? He slept until 8:30, and then I got up to refresh the ice in his ice machine...and went back to sleep until 10:00. So lovely.
2. Kaleb headed off to church. He is not loving church these days (actually, he hasn't loved church since he was four). Some Sundays I am willing to fight the good fight and go to church anyway. Some Sundays I just don't even try because the contention doesn't seem very spiritual. This Sunday, he was OK with going. Not excited...but OK. He has a purple striped tie and his size-11 shoes and he's just looking so grown up.
3. The three of us in church. We're sitting in the next-to-the-last row because that's where we always sit. There is a kind and very quiet-spoken couple giving the talk...Kendell's head is leaning one way, mine is leaning the other, and we're doing our best to keep our eyes open but it's not going so well. Kaleb is sitting next to me drawing pictures of soccer balls. At least we tried...
4. What would a photo of my headaches look like? I guess just my face grimacing, but what it feels like is metallic. Like liquid metal—silver, maybe, or whatever alloy the Terminator is made from—spreading into the crevices and atop the ridges of my brain. I don't get pounding headaches, I get sharp, stinging ones, and sometimes Excedrin will take care of them but usually Excedrin and sleep are both necessary. So the photo of my headache might be the three of us leaving church early.
5. Speaking of leaving church early, in this next imaginary photo, I'm sitting in the car while Kendell is helping Kaleb clean his church shoe off on the grass. Listen: I am entirely bothered by people who let their dogs poop at the park or on trails or pathways without picking it up, but at least it makes a little bit of sense. WHO lets their dog poop on the grass of a church and then just leaves it? Sigh. They still looked adorable, though, working together. They were even laughing, even though Kendell gets more annoyed at the inconsiderate recklessness of pooping dogs than I do.
6. When we got home from church, Kaleb said "Mom, I know you have a headache but would you mind making me a sandwich? The one you made me yesterday was perfect." (Another sign that Kaleb is Kendell's mini-me: he can eat the same foods over and over again without getting annoyed.) Who could resist? So here's a photo of me making Kaleb's perfect sandwich, which goes like this: grilled bread, light mayo on both pieces of bread, five slices of turkey that have also been heated on the grill until they are just a little bit crispy, one slice of Monterey-Jack cheese, and a tiny dollop of mustard. Kaleb is running up the stairs while I make it, his church clothes changed for his favorite blue t-shirt. 
7. Would two photos of me sleeping be too many? But that nap I took after church was exactly what my headache needed. (And the Excedrin. And the caffeinated beverage later.)
8. Headache managed, Kendell and I drove out to visit my mom. She has been moved to a rehab-style hospital, where she will hopefully get strong enough to finally be able to come home. (I am dreading the other possibility, which is that she won't ever be able to regain enough strength to live at home again.) While we were there I thought "I should just sit on her bed with her and have Kendell take our picture," but I didn't because...I'm not sure why I hesitated, except I wasn't sure if she would want a photo of herself in her condition. But we had a nice chat.
9. The mountains as we walked back to the car. A strong wind had sprung up, blowing clouds so that they were just starting to surround the foothills on the east side of the valley. On the west side, the sun was shining and the sky was blue; where we were standing in the wind, a sharp snow was falling. It was cold but so beautiful.
10. My quilt-covered kitchen table. Right now I am working on five different quilts. That's not a typo. Three baby quilts and then I'm determined to finish the quilt I want to have for soccer games (which start next Saturday!) and the pink and black quilt I've been working on forever. Two of the baby quilts are using scraps from the pink and black quilt (but no black, only grey) and one is made with scraps from the soccer quilt. I like how they are feeding and influencing each other. But there is fabric everywhere! I think I'll finish all but the pink and black one...I haven't decided yet how to arrange the half-square triangles.
11. What is a good life-right-now documentation without some images of food? For dinner tonight (the first food I actually ate, see #7), we had sweet pork burritos. Every time I make them I think "I should share my recipe" but I still haven't. I really should, as it is a delicious and fairly easy meal. 
12. Nathan and Kendell watching TV together in our bed. They have several shows they watch together, and I heard Kendell say "It will be weird to watch this by myself after you move out." SNIFF. No, seriously, SNIFF. This isn't a photo of my son and my husband watching TV together. This is a photo of the ending of things. I'm so not ready for Nathan to move out, even though I know HE is ready. He takes good care of me and I can't even explain how much I'll miss him.
13. Nathan and me sitting at the kitchen counter, using our new phones. I feel a little bit guilty getting a new phone, as I just upgraded this fall, but there was a deal (Kendell can't resist a good cell phone deal!) and for some reason, Kendell really, really wanted me to have the plus-sized Samsung instead of the regular one. Nathan also upgraded, and we're still figuring out the new stuff. He got a yellow case and I got a clear one because my phone is purple. Purple and enormous, but it still fits in the pockets of my running skirt so I'm good.
14. Me, Kendell, and Nathan watching TV together. We all piled into our bed because Kendell still is avoiding the stairs.
15. Kaleb working on building stuff with Lego. He's trying to watch less TV these days. Today he built a house with a bathroom and a kitchen. 
16. More food! Well...do chocolate chip cookies count as food? Nathan was craving some, and I can toss together a batch pretty quickly. So I did. One of the secrets to really delicious chocolate chip cookies? Different sizes and flavors of chocolate chips. Also butter!
17. Me massaging Kendell's leg. I stand on the side of the bed to do this for him. He swears that me touching it gently helps it heal. Might be complete B.S., but I can't do much else to help. 
18. I think the last photo should be of me, writing this blog post in the dark while everyone else is sleeping. I'm working on our PC, which I don't do much anymore—since Kendell works from home now, he uses the PC and I've set up a desk with my laptop in my scrapbook room. But I'd still rather write on this computer, as it feels like home. I've written a lot of blog posts on this machine!

I'd like to promise that next month on the 18th I'll manage 18 photos. We'll see. But I'm glad I wrote down these little details. 

My friends Elizabeth Dillow and Angie Lucas are doing an Instagram challenge: take 18 photos on the 18th of each month in 2018. I totally missed it in January, but wanted to play along in February. Was determined to play along, even though 18 photos seemed like a lot.

I woke up with ideas for this month's topic—color—but I forgot something: the 18th is on a Sunday. And lately Sundays have been rough on me. If I make it to church, I feel one sort of sadness, and if I skip church I have another sort. Sundays are not equaling funday in my life. (More like "lose my temper day" or "cry because I'm feeling like my life has been worthless day.")

And, yeah...this Sunday was also not awesome. 

But watching for color helped keep me a little bit more focused, even though I only took nine photos instead of 18.

Anyway, I shared them on Instagram (I'm amylsorensen over there, come follow me if you don't already!), but I wanted to write something about each image. So I decided to share them here, too. And hopefully once March rolls around, I'll be a bit more emotionally ready for a Sunday and 18 photos!

I don't usually go running on Sunday. But we have two time-consuming (and stressful) medical experiences this week, and I still want to make my 12-miles-per-week goal, so I went running this morning. Probably it helped stabilize my mood anyway (quite of which is being influenced by my fear of those medical experiences). It was cold when I started, even though it was 45 degrees; the wind was biting and I was questioning my short-sleeves decision. But once I started moving it was just fine. These bright colors were perfect for a gloomy morning run.

I was thinking while I ran "OK, I am going to find some some color" and then I started thinking about how that is one of the hard parts of winter for me: there's really not any color. And why spring is so refreshing: color slowly returns. This winter has been especially blah as it's been so brown here. Brown, dry winters are the worst; if it's going to be cold it might as well be snowy and white. This was the view as I ran up the canyon trail this morning. Ecru, beige, khaki, umber, buff: yes, those are colors, but not very vibrant. (I still love running here. Those dramatic cliffs! Can you see where the fault line curves?)

The view on the way back down. Still blah colors...but a little bit of pale blue in the sky. There was a storm gathering, so that was the last bit of blue I saw today.

But here, with just a mile left, I realized: that is yellow! True—old, worn out, tired yellow, but yellow all the same.

There are also a bunch of these bushes in the canyon. I think they are pretty nondescript in the summer...but in winter, that violet-red is the only deep, vibrant color to be found.

After my run, I went to visit my mom, who is in the hospital (still...two months and counting now). I thought about taking a few photos there, her blue hospital gown maybe (and now I think about it, I wish I would've taken a few photos of just her hands), but I know she's not really feeling in a photo-taking mood. I was feeling less emotional about my life, but more emotional about her (and being in the hospital reminded me to not forget to worry about the upcoming stressful medical week), so when we got home I wandered around my yard. These little snow crocus were some of the best things I ever planted. They come up in February and wither away at about the time the daffodils start blooming. They are bright and cheery and remind me that color will come back to the world. 

Speaking of purple and yellow...I also have these brave little violets blooming in the space underneath my maple tree. I don't know where they came from, but they've been blooming since January. They are small...but determined.

Before I went running, I threw every piece of running clothes out of my drawer into a pile on the floor in my bedroom. (I told you...bad Sunday. Too much drama to explain this, but some swearing was involved.) So after I showered I tackled reorganizing all of these. Put away most of my winter running clothes, found all of my capris, told myself I don't need any more running clothes. If I had a photo of my closet, you'd see: almost all of my clothes are black. In my everyday activities, I like wearing black; it makes me feel both inconspicuous and a little bit elegant. But when I'm running? Sure...there's black in that pile. But I also love colorful exercise clothes. They help me feel motivated to get out the door, and it seems like inattentive drivers notice you more when you're wearing something bright.

Part of why I love scrapbooking is because of color. This is the next layout I'm going to make. I probably won't use 75% of what I pulled out...but, ooooooh, pretty.

My Sunday ended with a visit from my little niece and nephew. The youngest, Becca, is just two, and she wanted to show me her newest skill: telling the names of colors. Seriously! Could there be a more perfect end to today than finding colors with a cutie who would, every so often, just give me a hug.

Well, actually, something almost as good happened: it snowed! I can't wait to wake up in the morning and see the world finally made white again.

This post has taken me FOR.EV.ER to put together. Which is why I'm posting it so late! But I love looking back on such things so I'm putting it out here anyway.

12 Favorite pictures from 2017:

1: The start of running selfies

Because I was a Skirt Sports ambassador this year, I took a lot of running selfies. This is one of my first ones and also still one of my favorites (even though you can't tell what I'm wearing!).

2: Easter afternoon

Jake went through some real struggles this year. This photo, taken on Easter, represents so much to me, but mostly the feeling I had when I saw him that afternoon: that he would be OK.

3: Palm tree reflections

At Pu’uhonua o Honaunau National Historical Park in Hawaii. (See 11 memories for more details!)

4: Soccer

Maybe my favorite soccer photo I've ever taken!

5: Does this photo make my hair look grey?

Kendell grew a beard for awhile this spring. I made him take a selfie with me before he shaved and it's one of my favorite pictures of us.

6: Cute boys

All the boys on Father's Day.

7: Before she drove home

A scruffy snapshot before Haley left to go back to school one weekend after she'd been here to visit.

8: Central Park

A passerby offered to take this for us. I wish I'd moved the Lindt Store bag out of the frame! We didn't see this part of Central Park when we went there last year.

9: Playing catch

Before school on spring mornings, sometimes Kaleb and I would hang out and play catch while we waited for his carpool. Lots of good conversations while tossing the ball.

10: Bryce Canyon hike

Another photo taken by a passerby! Kendell and me in Bryce Canyon.

11: The lovely Green Sands Beach

(Before things got terrifying!) I hiked up to this ledge overlooking the beach while the kids & Kendell started swimming. It was so colorful there, even if the "green" sand isn't really super green. 

12: Family pic

From Thanksgiving day. Usually I get everyone to wear something that sort-of matches. This time I didn't have the energy. I still think it's a great pic!

11 Favorite memories (in no particular order):

1. Snorkeling with dolphins. We took all of the kids to Hawaii this year, and I wanted to do something adventurous while we were there. So I signed us up for a snorkeling excursion. Part of it was at Captain Cook, but before we got to that harbor we snorkeled with dolphins. It was…well, words like “amazing” and “magical” can’t begin to describe it. The blue, blue water and the dolphins swimming past, so close some of us actually touched them…at one point I looked around and realized all of my family was right in front of me, swimming with their hands drifting down towards the dolphins and I was filled with so much love for each of them.
2. Walking on the Provo River Trail in February after a big snow storm. It was a turning point for me in my depression. I had the trail entirely to myself and it was so cold and peaceful and snowy, with birds landing on trees every now & then, making snow drift down as if it were still falling. Like walking in a snow globe!
3. Helping Haley finish the clean out of her dorm last April. She was the RA and so responsible to get it really clean. We went up and helped her pack up her room and then get out ALL of the stuff the students had left behind (there was a TON of stuff). We all laughed a lot and it was, despite the boxing and carrying, a really fun experience.
4. Eating lunch with my nieces. One day in late winter I was thinking about cousins and aunts and nieces & nephews…extended family. I wish I had a relationship with my cousins but aside from Facebook likes, I really don’t. I also wish I were closer to my nieces and nephews and to their kids. So I organized a lunch with everyone. We met up at Café Rio and just ate together. The coolest thing was that my niece who lives in Arizona surprised us and also came, and I got to meet her new baby. My vision of doing that once a month or so didn’t come to pass (yet!), but I’m glad I got it put together.
5. Running my half marathon. In August when Kendell and I were tossing around the idea of going back to New York in the fall, he suggested I find a race to run while we were there. After many switching of the dates we’d actually be going, I picked the Brooklyn Fall Half. It wasn’t my best half marathon time, as I didn’t have enough weeks to train, but even though I was tired it was such a fun experience. It’s the first race I’ve run outside of Utah, the first one that was made up of laps (four circles around Prospect Park in Brooklyn), the first race I road the subway to the start, and the first race I actually placed in (second in my age group…I still get a little giggle about that!).
6. Wrapping presents this Christmas. I did almost all of my Christmas shopping fairly early, right around black Friday, so I got everything wrapped about December 18^th or so. While I wrapped I got caught up on Call the Midwife. Nathan got home from school when I was almost done, so he came in and helped me finish up.
7. Playing “What’s in Your Purse?” with Becky & Suzette. My mom went in to the hospital on December 9 with intense stomach pain. She had diverticulitis and ended up having two surgeries (she’s still in the hospital; it’s been a difficult time!). During the second surgery, which happened on extreme short notice and started at about 11:30 p.m., Becky asked me if I had any nail clippers in my purse. I was feeling punchy and tired so I went through the entire contents of my purse. (I need to clean it out!) (I did have clippers.) Suzette and Becky also shared what was in their bags (Becky, oddly enough, had a paper cutter!). Even though we were scared, tired, and worried, it was so lovely to laugh together.
8. Hiking in Bryce Canyon. Kendell and I decided to take a detour on our trip to California and spend a day hiking in Bryce Canyon (we also camped overnight). After much discussion, we decided to hike the Fairyland trail, which we’ve hiked once before, but this time we did it clockwise. Just as we got on the trail, the clouds bunched together and it started raining. It wasn’t pouring…just a gentle rain, and it was magical. Bryce is one of my favorite places to go, but Bryce in the rain, with the dramatic clouds and the thunder echoing off the canyon walls? It was just incredible. We never got entirely soaked, just damp, so we were never really cold, just a little bit chilly. It was one of my favorite hikes ever.
9. Sorry, another Hawaii moment. I wanted to walk around Pu'uhonua o Honaunau, or Place of Refuge. This is a national historic park that is a sacred place in Hawaiian history. The kids didn’t really want to go (and Haley had already seen it), so Kendell took them snorkeling on the other side of the bay and I wandered around the park. It was almost closing time so there was almost no one else there—I only saw two other people. I followed the path and stopped at every marker and listened to the information, then looked at the items at each place. At first I was kind of annoyed that no one wanted to come with me, but very quickly I realized that being by myself meant I could really savor it.
10. Reading my first published essay. I have an essay in the anthology Baring Witness: 36 Women Talk Candidly about Love, Sex, and Marriage. In February I went to a reading, along with several other contributors. We ate dinner together first (slightly terrifying to just show up for a meal with people I didn’t know) and then walked in the rain to the book store where the reading was held. I was slightly nervous…but only for a second. When I started reading, I quickly got to a spot in my essay where it feels like I’m saying something funny but it turns into something dark, and I managed to vocalize it just right so that the audience went around the curve with me, right into the tension of the essay. It felt like…a performance, somehow, in the best sense of the word.
11. Finding Kaleb. OK, I guess one more Hawaii memory. We hiked to the Green Sand beach, and due to miscommunication we lost Kaleb on the way back. I ran all of the 3+ miles back to the car, desperately hoping to find him, but I got to the car and he wasn’t there. So then I started pacing back and forth along the paved part of the trail that goes from the parking lot to the beach, absolutely terrified and not sure what to do. When I saw my family in the distance and counted—five of them!—I burst into tears. I was so relieved he was OK. (This is actually both my worst memory of 2017 and one of my favorites. Horrible because that was a terrifying half hour of not knowing if he was safe or not. But the feeling when I saw him!)

10 Hikes we hiked in 2017 (I set myself the goal of blogging about every hike I did this year. I blogged about none of them…but I took lots of photos just in case. Maybe I should make a goal to blog about them all before spring gets here!?):

1. Kilauea Iki Trail in Volcano National Park with all the kids.
2. Red Lake Trail in Nebo Canyon with Kendell.
3. Squaw Peak Trail with Kendell.
4. Stewart Falls with my friend Wendy.
5. Rock Canyon to the campground with Kendell.
6. Primrose Cirque overlook with Kendell.
7. Fairyland Trail in Bryce with Kendell. (Every time we go hiking, I try to take a good selfie with Kendell. This one is finally a good one!)
8. Red Rock trail in Los Padres National Forest with Kendell.
9. Potato Harbor and Scorpion Canyon loop trails on Santa Cruz island (please note that Kendell and I did the Scorpion Canyon loop the opposite way than is recommended, which means we went UP the steepest part, instead of down. I love steep trails and wow: there was a lot to love!)
10. Battle Creek Canyon overlook with Kendell (I learned after that this point is also called Brush Mountain. It snowed—very lightly, but still snow—while we hiked, but it hasn’t snowed there since).

9 Holiday highlights:

1. Anniversary: our 25^th. We ate dinner at our favorite Thai restaurant. I wanted to plan a trip somewhere—maybe Florida? just a weekend in San Diego?—but we ended up not being able to get away in February. Which is fine because we “celebrated” all year. Trip to Hawaii? Totally a 25^th anniversary trip! California this summer? We should eat somewhere nice for our 25^th anniversary! etc.
2. Valentine’s Day: we made sugar cookies and had homemade pizza for dinner.
3. President’s Day: It’s become a tradition to eat at a local Chinese restaurant. It was just me, Kendell, and Kaleb this year, which was a little bit lonely for Kaleb, but still delicious.
4. Easter: The first one with only Kaleb and Nathan at home in the morning (which was sad but instead of focusing on sadness I just enjoyed the difference of it). Also our first one at my mom’s new house. I look forward to our Easter dinner all winter…it’s when it feels like spring is really, really here. I wasn’t sure if it would be disappointing at the new house, but I loved it.
5. Memorial Day: Kendell and I went to the cemetery and put flowers on my dad’s grave. I’m so glad he’s close so I can visit!
6. Fourth of July: this was our last family party at my sister Suzette’s pool, as she sold her house this year. We swam, we barbequed, we made sure no one drowned. I’ll be sad next summer to not have her pool for our parties. Later, Kaleb and I went outside and did fireworks with our neighbors.
7. Halloween: Kaleb did not love Halloween this year. He wanted to do something seventh-grade-ish and grown up, but all the plans fell through. So, he helped me pass out candy for a while, and then went downstairs to watch TV and be annoyed. Nathan went to a party with his girlfriend Bailey. I finished reading It.
8. Thanksgiving: held at our house, and I made the meal by myself. This is my second try at doing this and it went much better this time (ie: we ate by 4:30, not at 7:30 like the first time!) Pies were perfect, everyone got along, Haley liked her tofurkey. The turkey was a little bit dry and the potatoes, which I cooked in the crock pot, were a little bit gummy. But it was a great meal!
9. Christmas: All of the kids slept at home on Christmas Eve. I could say something about the fabulousness of the gifts and the fantastic-ness of the meals or whatever…but that is what meant the most to me. Everyone slept at home.

8 Songs that will always remind me of 2017:

1. “Something Just Like This” by the Chainsmokers & Coldplay, definitely one of my favorite songs to run to.
2. “Allison Road” by The Gin Blossoms. When we drove to & from Seattle, I heard this song at almost every gas station we stopped at. Which was strange…what are the odds, especially considering we stopped at stations in Utah, Idaho, Oregon, and Washington? I was super frustrated by the time we got home because each time I only heard part of it, and I didn’t have it on my phone. (I don’t know why I didn’t think to just, you know. Buy it and download it from my phone, except I always buy music on my computer.)
3. “Cloudbusting” by Kate Bush. This song brought me a sense of peace during my Narnia winter. “I just know that something good is going to happen, I don’t know when” was a refrain I sang to myself when things were especially dark.
4. “Footloose” by Kenny Loggins. Because Kendell and I listened to it on repeat three times in a row driving through the California desert.
5. “Let the Music Play” by Shannon. Someone mentioned this song on Facebook and I thought, hmmmmm, that would be fun to run to, so I bought it and yep: Great running song.
6. “Piece of My Heart” by Big Brother & The Holding Company + Janis Joplin. When Kendell and I were in New York, this song came on one night when we were drinking peppermint hot chocolate at the Starbucks on Roosevelt Island. Sometimes a song is part of your psyche except you don’t really pay attention to it because you’ve heard it a million times. But then you do listen. It will now always take me back to NYC, which was far colder than we planned for, and that long first day when we just had to stay awake a little bit longer. (Surviving the red eye is not for wimps, let me tell you!)
7. “Something to Say” by the Connells. We have a newish radio station here that plays nothing but alternative 80s music. I’ve been reunited with tons of songs I forgot I loved. This one has stuck with me especially. “Once you believed you had something to say and it’s so deceiving…”
8. “Sober Up” by AJR. I listened to this song three times in a row when I was running my half marathon. It’s one of those songs that I don’t relate to the lyrics very much but it’s super fun to run to. That violin bridge!

7 Favorite runs:

1. Running with Becky this fall on a path by her house. The sunflowers were blooming; it was cold and windy but lovely.
2. Running on the coastal trail in Ventura. Beach running is the best, and this was especially nice because there is a paved path.
3. The day I found a new trail, which winds through what used to be a golf course. The hills were awesome and it was a perfect day.
4. My last long run before my half marathon. I did it on the Murdock Canal Trail through Pleasant Grove and American Fork. I had the path almost to myself and it was one of those runs that felt effortless, like running in a dream.
5. Running with my scrapbook friends when I went to the Scrap Gals retreat in April.
6. The 10k I ran on the 4^th of July with my sister Becky and my niece Kayci. It was so fun to run a race with people I know!
7. My half marathon. I ran the Brooklyn Half, which was four laps around Prospect Park, when we were in New York. I wasn’t fully trained for it (my longest run before it was only 8 miles) and I am still doing a run/walk combo. But I finished! I decided that I want to find a race to run every time I travel somewhere. It made the trip so much more fun and meaningful to me. After the race we wandered through Prospect Park, which is gorgeous.

6 Family accomplishments:

1. Kendell had NO SURGERIES. That is a miracle!
2. I didn’t fall all year. I did pull my popliteus muscles (both of them!) during my mad dash across the Hawaiian coast, but I didn’t sprain my ankle in 2017!
3. Haley really found her groove this year. She impressed professors, got papers published, got great grades. 2017 was her last full year of undergrad!
4. Jake went through some really tough things in the winter. He is still trying to figure stuff out but I am proud of him for not giving up. He’ll find his way!
5. Nathan discovered a new sport. He made the basketball team during his freshman and sophomore year, but he just was not loving it. He didn’t feel like he fit into the team and the coach had nothing but disdain for him (the last straw was when he sprained his ankle during a practice and the coach didn’t even come over to check on him, so his teammates had to help him up and over to the bleachers). Instead of getting gloomy or frustrated, he switched sports, to volleyball. And he loves it! When I went to his first volleyball game it was like watching an entirely different kid. He plays volleyball with happiness, unlikely the anxiety that swirled around him during basketball games.
6. Kaleb took control of his body. He’s been going through that pre-pubescent weight gain and it was making him miserable. So all fall, he’s been working on exercise and eating healthier foods. And he is losing weight. I’m proud of him, not exactly for losing weight, but for working so hard to gain control (if that makes sense).

5 Things we bought in 2017:

1. A new car (and we sold our minivan, which was a sad day for me!)
2. A dishwasher (which I HATE; whomever designed it has apparently not ever actually put dishes into a dishwasher)
3. Boots. These were all for me…my 14-year-old Dr. Martens had to be replaced, and I might’ve “replaced” them with 4 pair (but if you know me you know I wear the heck out of my boots, so it’s not like they’ll just sit on a shelf)
4. A new roof. My favorite way to spend a whole bunch of money!
5. New cell phones. When Kendell switched jobs he had to get a new phone…and as they were buy one, get one free, I got a new one too!

4 Favorite Albums from 2017:

1. Re-Covered by Dan Wilson. The song “Closing Time” by Semisonic was written by Dan Wilson (who was the lead singer), but he wrote a ton of other popular songs, too, that were first sung by other bands or singers. On this album, he sings songs he wrote for other artists. I LOVE this album; I knew all the songs, even though they’re from all sorts of musical genres, and hearing them remade gave me a deeper appreciation for them.
2. Gone Now by the Bleachers. My favorite song on the album is “Don’t Take the Money” (I love the line “’till I saw your face and hands covered in sun and then I think I understand”) but the whole thing is pretty damn good!
3. Colors by Beck. I haven’t liked a Beck album for a long time, but I like this one!
4. Signs of Light by The Head and the Heart. This feels like a very 80s-inspired album to me. It just makes me happy.

3 Vacations we took:

1. Hawaii in May. This was a long-promised reward for Jake’s 4.0 during his senior year. All six of us went. We haven’t done a family trip with everyone since we went to Yellowstone in 2011. (We’ve done other trips…just not with everyone.) I was a little bit nervous about how it might turn out, but it was fantastic. We snorkeled, we swam, we saw the volcano. Everyone got along. It was fantastic. My only complaint is that we didn’t stay long enough. We stayed on the Big Island, and if I were to do it again, I’d plan a few days sleeping in Hilo instead of spending all the time in Kona. There was so much we saw but still so much we didn’t get to see.
2. California in July. I wanted to take a vacation with me, Kendell, Nathan, and Kaleb. So I planned a trip to California…and then Nathan didn’t want to come because he had a volleyball tournament, and Kaleb didn’t want to come if Nathan wasn’t going. So I shifted the plans around a bit and turned it into a hiking vacation for me and Kendell. We visited Bryce Canyon on the way, and then drove to Ventura the next day, where we hiked in the Los Padres mountains and on Santa Cruz island. I missed having the kids along, but it would’ve been a different trip if they came (much less hiking!). It was lovely to have some time alone.
3. New York City in November. This was our second autumn trip to NYC. We just didn’t feel like we saw everything we wanted to when we went last year. It was a fantastic trip, aside from the cold; we went to Staten Island, saw two Broadway plays (The School of Rock and The Lion King), wandered around Brooklyn (including into the Brooklyn library), walked around Queens looking at murals, wandered around the Bronx. The highlight was touring the Basilica of St. Patrick’s cathedral, but the best part was getting to spend time with our friends the McAlisters.

2 Medical Things: (This was SUCH a light year for us!):

1. Nathan’s hernia surgery
2. WARTS. Kaleb had one that would NOT go away, after every treatment the dermo tried. We finally made him switch shoes (he is the kind of kid who likes to just have one pair of shoes and then just wear them out) and as of January 8, he is finally wart free. Jake’s hands are covered with warts and he’s being doing a bi-weekly wart treatment since June. It’s taking forever, but can I confess: the wart appointments are a great reason to see him!

1 big change:

Kendell got a new job! He’d been at his previous job since 1991. 1991! He’s still adjusting to the newness. But it’s been great for him.

And that's probably a wrap on my 2017-recap posts!

September was a hard month for me. I got a cold right at the beginning of the month and it zapped every ounce of my energy. And then I lost all of my running motivation. Most mornings, instead of running I just went back to bed after the kids went to school. I tried…but I just had nothing.

For whatever reason, sometime on Wednesday of last week, the fog cleared. I started feeling like I had energy again, and excitement to get outside and run. So on Thursday, I finally hit the trail again, and it felt amazing. I really hope this upswing is a permanent change, because I don’t like myself when I’m feeling so blue and sluggish.

Last week was also a week of sewing. One of my nieces is having a baby, so I needed to make a gift. Three different trips to different fabric stores and I had three different projects to work on. I finished two of them, and got the third one entirely cut out. And I was re-motivated to dig out my pink-and-black half-square triangle project from last winter. Maybe it was the playing with fabric that helped me feel better???

Nathan has entered the super-busy life of a senior. ACT prep, big art projects, volleyball practice, work, homework, time with his girlfriend, and napping when he can fit it in. For his AP art class, they have to do a year-long concentration where they focus on one topic. He’s chosen women in Greek mythology (he is in love with the Myths & Legends podcast), so last week he was drawing Arachne and Athena. His first piece turned out fantastic! Plus…it was kind of, I don’t know. “Cool” isn’t exactly the right word. But it is something to have a hurricane Nate kicking around!

I got to see Jake this week. He’s getting an intense treatment for warts on his hands…so we meet up at the dermatologist every two weeks or so. I’m not glad he got such a bad infection, but I am glad for a reason to see him. He seemed happy and relaxed this week, which made me feel happy and relaxed too. No Haley sightings, but holy cow. When I woke up to the news of the Las Vegas shooting, my first reaction was “thank God she doesn’t like country music.” She’s gone to many concerts in Vegas…maybe it is selfish of me when so many mothers DID lose their children in that awful shooting (Oh how my heart hearts for those moms who lost their kids). But I’m so glad she’s safe and wasn’t there.

This week I really realized just how TWELVE Kaleb is. He’s moody…obnoxious one second, sad the next. He loves seventh grade and then he hates it. I’m pretty sure there’s stuff going on he’s not telling me about. I’m trying to be present and welcoming to any kind of discussion he’s willing to have. But man. Junior high is so hard on kids. WHY does it have to be so hard? And why does their brain insist on making it harder for them by keeping secrets? I keep telling him to remember that his parents aren’t the enemy…we’re on his side. (Meanwhile though, my brain—and my heart—everything in me is freaking out because when did this happen? He was my baby for so long. And now he’s not.)

Kendell had something big happen this week. Enormous, actually. But I can’t quite talk about it yet. So...until I can, I will say that the big thing is not the fact that we planned another trip to New York this week. Heading there in November. 

On Saturday I went to the baby shower I made the quilt for. I only had a little while to be there, because I went on my lunch hour, but it just made me happy. Ever since I found that bread bag of photos, I’ve been thinking about family connections. There is one photo in the bag, a family pic from the Christmas I was a baby, and my dad looks exactly like Jake. Well, “exactly,” if Jake had a rounder face and a black handlebar 1970s mustache, but still. His eyes and mouth are the same. And it just made me think, about my dad and my grandparents and my cousins and my aunts and uncles and my kids and my nieces and nephews and greats. And my future grandkids. None of us is identical, we all have different traits and interests and body shapes and lives. But we also have connections and similarities, places where our lives overlap. I wish my extended family was closer, especially my cousins, but I don’t know how to make that happen. But I can strengthen my relationships with the people who care about me and who I care about.

So that’s why this is my favorite picture from last week:

Even though I wish there were others in it. Sometimes I feel like a great big lonely stretch is headed my way, when I will need to learn to embrace doing things by myself. It feels like such a strong prompting that I can’t ignore it. But this day felt like the opposite of that. Or an addendum: you might feel alone at times, but sometimes other people will surround you. I love all of these women—my mom, two of my sisters, and my nieces. They are amazing in different ways and add so much to my life, and I am proud of each of them. And blessed to have relationships with them.

Last week could be categorized by lots of stuff I didn’t do. I didn’t exercise. I didn’t go outside much. I didn’t mow the lawn even. I didn’t cook much. I didn’t sit outside and enjoy the fall weather. I took almost no photographs.

Mostly I just fought a headache.

My theory is that my headache has to do with my left eyebrow, which I am totally self-conscious about because it’s uneven. So I’m always unconsciously pulling up my forehead. And eventually it catches up to me and I get a left-temple headache.

Anyway.

I was feeling better on Thursday, which was good because my mom and sister needed some help. My sister is moving in with my mom, but before that can happen, my mom needs to empty her basement of all the boxes she brought when she moved. There is a lot of stuff to go through. And I really wanted to be helpful. But then I got sidetracked when I found this bread bag.

This bread bag full of photos.

Seriously. Photos I’ve never seen before, of my parents and my grandparents. My cousin with my grandparents when she was a newborn. Becky when she was a newborn. Family photos and birthday photos and baby photos. Not all of me (actually…not very many with me), but that’s OK.

I think my sister was like “Hey! There’s boxes over here!” but I could not, could not, resist going through and looking at every single photo.

I’ve since sorted them into different groups, and am trying to decide where to get them scanned. I am not sure it will make much sense to many people, but these unseen photos mean so much to me.

Headache and photos aside, I did accomplish a few things. I made two scrapbook layouts. I helped Nathan with his ACT prep. I did read a little bit, too (I am rereading It.)

On Sunday, when I had a little headache reprieve, I wanted to just get outside. So Nathan and I took a drive. We went on the Alpine loop, which is a road up and over the mountains in the Wasatch. It had stormed all weekend, and snow had fallen in the mountains. It was an amazingly beautiful drive. Low in the canyon the trees were already brilliant but the storm was still going, so the clouds and mist were curving around the crags of the mountain. As we got higher, snow started gathering, on the green tree leaves and the orange ones, and in delicate wisps on the pine trees. We got out and walked here and there. We drove slowly around the curves, we admired the rows of aspen trees against the snow. Sometimes we talked and sometimes we didn’t, and it was exactly what I needed. (Even though it didn’t keep the headache away!)

Kaleb had just one soccer game this week, on Thursday. It was a gorgeous afternoon (so much nicer than the previous week’s very cold and windy game) and they almost pulled off a win—3-2! But Kaleb did get to score on a penalty kick so it wasn’t a total bust.

Nathan got some awesome news this week, he got invited to be on a really great volleyball team. It’ll add some stress to his life but he’s super excited and I’m pretty proud of him landing a spot on a team based just on his reputation.

But last week wasn’t really my favorite. I’m hoping this week will be better. It is, after all, October. I need to get over my fear of being cold and get outside more. I hope this week will be better.