Sometimes I’m itching to write something, to make something with words that is structured and shaped and maybe well-written, but other days my thoughts roll through my head like the credits at the end of a movie. This is one of those days, so here’s a random list of things I’ve thought about today:

• Even though this work-from-home thing that Kendell’s doing lately is really making. me. bonkers., sometimes it’s nice. Like today, when his schedule was a little bit sparse and so we went for a walk together on the canal trail this morning. The birds were singing, the sky was blue, the air was fresh, cool but not cold. Everywhere, the flowering trees were in blossom, and all lit up by the morning light. We talked, we pondered, we argued a bit, we walked in silence. We admired a woman who was at least twenty years older than us, power-walking past us. We discussed our individual outlooks: do people really just suck in general? Or not?
• I wanted to stop and take a photo of us, using my running-selfie techniques, but I didn’t because I knew it would likely annoy Kendell. And if I posted it on Instagram he’d be bugged. But I still wish I would’ve done it anyway. Always take the photo you’re prompted to take. (Is there a God of photos that carries out those promptings?) You’d think I would know that by now.
• Today is my friend’s birthday. My friend who’s been my friend for longest, since I was 16. I don’t get to see her enough but out of any of the people in my life, she understands me in a way no one else does. I’ll always be grateful for accidentally leaving my wallet in the car of a girl I didn’t know but who drove our group that summer night so many years ago—more than 30!—and that she returned it to me and then we worked in the same telemarketing group. My life would be far less without her, and even if we don’t see each other very often, we both know we are there for each other.
• You know I love my job, but…I was so annoyed I had to work today. We have had a lovely, chilly, very wet spring in Utah. The foothills are literally green, which doesn’t happen very often. And then today, today, today was a perfect spring day for gardening. I wanted to stay home and weed in my bright green grass under my pink flowering plum tree. Instead I was responsible and sat inside the library all day. No one knows the sacrifices we librarians have to make in order to help you print your divorce papers! It wasn’t just me, as many of my co-workers said something about wanting to be outside with the flowers. See…we’re not all dusty bookworms. We love life! And spring! And dirt and flowers!
• One rainy day this week I sat on my porch and tried to write a poem. It doesn’t look like I am even trying, really, but I am trying to invest energy and concentration and work into actually writing things, instead of just wishing I were a writer. So I was sitting on my porch staying dry from the light drizzle, and my purple hyacinths were just perfect, and my back was resting against the brick of our house. And I had an idea I was chasing with my pen. Then Kendell needed something and then Kaleb needed something and then I heard my phone buzz with a text. I kept going back to my poem until I got frustrated. But then I also felt a little bit…less ashamed of my efforts, maybe. Because maybe it’s not only that I have been lazy for the past twenty years or so. Maybe it is that, for me, it was impossible to write and to be a mother. But, I also realized: boundaries. I need boundaries. I need the people who need me to respect my efforts and give me the space I need. I need to stand up for this boundary, establish it firmly.
• Because, and I keep thinking this: people die. People die. It seems impossible to imagine, but one day I will die. One day someone will write my obituary and plan my funeral and what will I have done with my life? I was a mother and a teacher and a wife and a librarian. I ran and I hiked and I traveled; I sewed and I took photographs and I made scrapbook pages. I cooked meals for my family and was a pretty good baker (except for cupcakes, I’m dismal at cupcakes, but then, that might be because I don’t really love cupcakes). I had some friends. I tried to be a good person. If I died tomorrow (and, please: I don’t want to die tomorrow), one of the things I would regret is not becoming a successful writer.
• I realized this morning while Kendell and I were walking that it’s Easter this weekend. And I haven’t bought anything. And I don’t always know what to do. Jake’s 21, but he’s living with us right now. Do I get him some stuff for an Easter basket? Kaleb definitely needs some stuff. Parenting is never easy my friends.
• I had a salad for dinner, a Caesar chicken salad from Costco. I am a microdipper when it comes to salad dressing (and to salsa and fry sauce and almost every condiment you dip something into), so this was a fairly healthy meal for me. Like, does ANYONE actually eat all the dressing that comes with a salad? I think I eat like 1/16^th of it. I always remember when I eat salad or other veggies that they really do help me to feel happier in my body. But I don’t eat them often enough because I am lazy. The prep makes me nuts. I actually don’t love salad like my gender is supposed to, but I would probably eat more of them if the prepped ingredients magically showed up in my fridge. And I actually really do love almost all veggies, but it seems like I run out of energy for making them quite often when I cook dinner.
• Log cabin quilt squares. I’ve made 41 of them over the past few weeks, one group of 25, one group of 16. I will write a blog post about them after I have given the quilts to the moms I am making them for, but I want to say this: strip piecing makes log cabins WAY FASTER. Like, 200 times faster.
• My sisters Becky and Suzette and I have spent so much time over the past months working on my mom’s house. Now it is clean and empty and we are trying to sell it. It’s strange to have my Thursdays back. I’m glad the project is done, but at the same time, I’m really sad it’s over. There’s nothing left to find, and I did not find my grandma’s ugly opal ring I was holding out hope for finding (it was stolen and hocked for drug money, literally, which, gah. Makes me so angry. I know it’s just a ring and rings aren’t people and having that ugly opal ring wouldn’t bring my grandma back to me. But that ring was her in jewelry form, and I just kept on hoping it would magically turn up. It did not.) Plus I was really enjoying that I got to see them every week.
• I just realized as I wrote this: tomorrow is my birthday. So today is my last day of being 46. I spent it like this: took Kaleb to school, walked with Kendell, ate breakfast, went back to Kaleb’s school to check him out because he was too sore to go to his conditioning class, showered, started working on the 42^nd log cabin square, which will eventually be its own quilt, ran some errands because HELLO! It’s Easter on Sunday! which means I need something to put in Kaleb’s basket, and also Jake’s, and then I felt bad because if I had it together I could’ve sent Nathan an Easter something, and Haley too. I got the berries, lemons, and eggs I need for the Easter party we’re having tomorrow. I bought that salad at Costco and then I went to work.
• There is a librarian position that just opened up at my library. I want to apply for it. And I don’t want to apply for it. There are things I would love about it and things I would really not love. Mostly my hesitation is over whether or not I’m ready to work full time. Working full time means no more quilting, no more scrapbooking, far less running. Poetry writing likely non-existent. No more spontaneous early-morning walks with Kendell. But it would also mean I would be pushed into getting my Master’s. And we would have more income so maybe we could finally move. The last day to apply is Monday so I need to decide soon. (Of course…I’m also 100% certain there will be some excellent librarians applying, so all the should-I-shouldn’t-I would probably be pointless because likely they wouldn’t hire me anyway, seeing as how I don’t have an MLS or other Master’s degree.) There are so many things I love about my current job and about how my life is right now. But am I being selfish by continuing to work part time instead of full time?
• Haley is in Mexico for her birthday. (Isn’t it cool that my best friend’s birthday is the day before mine and my favorite daughter’s birthday is the day after mine?) I think it is awesome that she tries to travel as much as she can. My only complaint is that I am not also in Mexico to celebrate my
• I am almost finished with the novel I’ve been reading for three weeks now, Ammonite by Nicola Griffith. I’m not reading it quickly because, hello: 41 log cabin quilt squares. But also because it is a story that’s inviting me to savor it. And it’s totally not what I expected it to be. I am trying to not respond to the little protesting voice that’s reminding me of all the other books I want to read. Ah, see. That’s another thing I would do less of, ironically, if I became a full-time librarian. Less reading. Anyway, I keep thinking about it, and I need to finish it because I just really want to know how it ends. I mean, duh. I read the last page already so I sort-of know how it ends. But how does it end, how do the characters get to that end?

Aren’t you glad you don’t actually live inside my head with all of those thoughts?